Squirrel with pizza makes dean’s list

By Sean Willett, September 25 2014 —

A local squirrel who found an entire slice of pizza made it onto the 2013-14 faculty of science dean’s list, an honour meant to recognize students with exceptional academic standing. The squirrel was spotted a few months ago on the University of Calgary campus, holding a completely uneaten slice of Hawaiian pizza.

Faculty of science dean Gord Chumplers chose the squirrel to receive the award for its display of hard work and persistence.

“The pizza slice, it was so big! And the squirrel, the squirrel was very small,” Chumplers said. “The squirrel was pulling the pizza around and it looked so scared. It was scared of some enemy stealing its pizza.”

Despite the dean’s enthusiasm, not everyone in the faculty of science agrees with the squirrel holding a piece of pizza making the prestigious list.

“I hate the squirrel,” said Bruce Dackler, an applied math student who also made the dean’s list. “I could hold many more pizza slices than this idiot beast. If the squirrel comes near me I will kill it with my wakizashi.”

However, the dean remains undeterred.

“You see, it was just so much pizza for such a small squirrel. Usually squirrels never get that much pizza,” Chumplers said. “The squirrel loved the pizza slice so much. It would marry the pizza if it could.”

The squirrel in question has not been sighted since the pizza slice incident. It’s believed to be a black squirrel, a melanistic variety of the eastern grey squirrel. Eastern grey squirrels are common across much of North America.

“Eastern grey squirrels usually don’t eat pizza, even Hawaiian pizza,” said U of C zoology professor Susan Nurdles. “They usually eat nuts or whatever. Pizza is sweet though, even animals know that. If I was a squirrel I would have totally eaten that pizza. You would have too.”

Eyewitnesses who saw the squirrel holding the pizza slice claim that the slice was quickly stolen by two large crows before the squirrel had a chance to take a bite. These reports are still under investigation. Campus security is requesting that the community contact them with any further information.