What do the stars have in store for you?

By Dawn Muenchrath, November 6, 2014 —

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) After binge watching fashion TV, you will be inspired to try a new look. In time, you will come to your senses.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21) You will turn over a new leaf. However, you are starting to get discouraged because you have turned over a lot of leaves and they all look the same on the other side.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20) Some big career opportunities are on the horizon. Well, for other people. Not for you. You are firmly stuck in a dead-end job.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19) For the first time in your life, you will know that you did not disappoint your mother. This is because she admitted to you that she has abandoned all hopes for your future.

PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20) You will be buoyed by the kind words of a comment on the U of C Compliments Facebook page. Then you will remember that you are not blonde and you do not go to the gym.

ARIES (March 21 – April 20) Your friend might be getting on your nerves lately, but try to put things into perspective. This is not a passing phase but an integral, unchanging part of their personality.

TAURUS (April 21 – May 21) You will unexpectedly run into your ex this week. Despite your wishful thinking, they have not gained weight and they will also have a nice, new pair of shoes.

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21) In a moment of delusion, you will strike up a conversation with a fellow classmate, only to realize that they are insufferable. However, you now feel obligated to accept their friend request.

CANCER (June 22 – July 23) You will win a free Caribbean cruise from a contest that you didn’t enter. But you know it’s real because it’s your captain speaking.

LEO (July 24 – Aug. 23) Your current financial situation warns against making any frivolous purchases, but Amazon has some really great student deals. Have you ever tried ordering glasses online?

VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23) The secret to your happiness will come to you in a dream. However, your interpretation of this dream will be entirely wrong and, frankly, a little offensive.

LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23) You will say hi to an old friend this weekend. Unfortunately, you won’t be wearing glasses at the time and they will actually just be a very confused stranger.