Very serious horoscopes

By Melanie Bethune, November 27 2014 —

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) Or should we say, “swagittarius.” Take a break, relax and listen to the swaggy sounds of Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me.”

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Have a very merry Swagmas and a happy Swagukkah.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) You will gag and tag a bag that you filled with frags of mags and you’ll nag as you lag and drag it with an aura of swag.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20) Did you know that swag refers to “a curtain or piece of fabric fastened so as to hang in a drooping curve?” Well, you now have that information at your disposal.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) A tall and dark sultan of swag will be making an appearance in your life very soon. Listen to his words of swag.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) Taylor Swift is actually telling us to “Swag It Off.” The swaggers gonna swag, swag, swag so I’m just gonna swag, swag, swag. Swag it off, swag it off.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20) Your boss will soon insist that you write an entire set of “swaggy horoscopes.” You will oblige.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22) Nothing says swag like standing up to the fuckboys.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22) Just write “swag” on all of your finals. You’ll be fine.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22) Your next few weeks will be full of salsa, wicker baskets, antelope, gingerbread, Gameboys and yodeling.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22) To swag or not to swag — that isn’t a question because swag is always the answer.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) Fight for your right to swag.