Very serious old timey hornoscopes

By Sean Willett, February 26 2015 —

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

When you wake up one morning from unsettling dreams, you will find yourself changed in your bed into a monstrous vermin.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will eat the entire A&W Burger Family in one sitting, then throw up on your friend’s cat. Why would you do that? Why would you vomit the entire A&W Burger Family on Constable Peepaws?

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You are going to get dick bugs.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Deciding to try something new, you go to one of those places that lets people stay in isolation pods for an hour. While in the pod, you will have a vivid out-of-body experience where you kiss Knuckles from Sonic the Hedgehog.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

In an effort to stop an assassin’s bullet from hitting the owner of a local Little Caesar’s franchise, you will have a near-death experience during which an angel will show you what the world would be like if you were never born. The angel will be voiced by Sinbad.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will get horny in church. You will think sexual thoughts in the presence of God.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Guess what pal, you’re gonna strike it rich. You’re gonna start making those big bucks. With your new-found money you’re gonna buy a private island and begin hunting people for sport, until one intrepid would-be victim outwits your bloodhounds and kills you in your sleep.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

A howler monkey is going to bite your future son’s penis in half. The other boys will call him Half-Dick Harold. Your only son. Your precious boy.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

A talking car is going to call you a “teletubby lookin’ ass motherfucker” on national television.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You are going to follow your life-long dream of being beaten up by a professional wrestler by getting into a violent altercation with John Cena. However, you will end up pinning him in front of none other than WWE CEO Vince McMahon, earning you a shot at the heavyweight title at this year’s Summer Slam.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Terrible news — your dog is going to join the army. Your dog wholeheartedly believes that military intervention in the Middle East is justified and necessary. You commend your dog’s bravery, but disagree with his jingoistic ideals. Who taught your dog these things? Maybe it was the other dogs. Maybe it was video games. Whatever the reason your dog made this decision, you are scared. You are scared for the life of your beloved dog.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Your ass will fall off. Your entire butt will be separated from your body and you will have to go to a hospital immediately because of this.