Horoscopes: July 23

By Melanie Woods, July 23 2015 —

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A shirtless man will break into your house looking for his cowboy hat. You will kindly inform him that Stampede is over, but he won’t seem to hear you. “It’s ya-hoo, not yee-haw,” he’ll say softly before disappearing into the night. The lingering scent of stale Bud Light and murmur of sexist remarks follow him like the vapours of a past life.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
You already missed the deadline for your first paper of the fall semester. The professor hasn’t been assigned and the classroom is still TBA, but didn’t you know about the pre-syllabus prep book, course pack and subsequent 12-page research paper?

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
While camping, you will accidentally send a smoke signal to a nearby barbarian encampment. They’ll kill your warrior, but your city bombardment will keep your great people and trade routes safe, allowing you to further build your tourism output en route to a cultural victory.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
The increase to Alberta’s minimum wage will be disastrous for you and all that you love. Cities will burn to the ground. Plague will break out. Zombie hordes will emerge. Also, people will be able to live above the poverty line and support themselves with little negative economic impact.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
After being given a cruel nickname by your close friends, the government will legally change your name to Big Donair Boy. This is your life now, Big Donair Boy.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
At the movies, an elderly man seated beside you with his grandchildren will ask why you are at an IMAX 3D screening of Minions alone. You will be unable to answer. No answer will ever be enough.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You will be shocked to discover that pugs are cleverly disguised loaves of bread. Think about it. Have you ever seen a pug and a loaf of bread in a room at the same time? If you have, that’s probably a different loaf of bread than the one currently pretending to be a pug.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Your Instagram account will be discovered by the Red Lobster marketing team, who will anoint you as their official brand ambassador. Three months of regrammed Cheddar Bay Biscuit ads later, your friends and family will grow weary of your corporate persona and leave you.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
At a local music festival, you’ll discover that the headlining act is actually your great uncle Frank playing his weaving loom with several literal bells and whistles attached to it. He will get a standing ovation.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
While hiking, you will encounter a bear that offers you some shrooms and the chance for a trip of a lifetime instead of mauling you. You will accept, and spend the next three weeks on a vision quest through alpine meadows with your rad bear friend Jerome.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will discover that you are a descendant of Barthelemy Thimonnier, inventor of the practical sewing machine. It seams your life will be interwoven with threads of bad sewing puns from now on.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will find yourself heavily identifying with the characters of a children’s cartoon. This will cause you significant emotional stress as you come to the crushing realization that they work through all of their problems with songs and animated fight sequences.