Horoscopes: September 17

By Wei Shen Tan, September 17 2015 —

Virgo
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Tomorrow morning you will be faced with the harrowing dilemma of wearing a t-shirt with a bedazzled grumpy cat or a tiger-striped sweater with the word “RAWR” scrawled across the front in green Comic Sans. Either way, it will be a cat-astrophe.

Libra
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
While attempting to purchase a bag of chips, the vending machine will stall and rob you of your very last bill. In a fit of rage, you will throw your fist into the side of the machine, only to find the discarded shards of the American dream.

Scorpio
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You will open your very own tea plantation and plot the worldwide destruction of all coffee beans after developing a strong distaste for black coffee.

Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You will visit the TFDL in an attempt to locate your missing sunglasses. They are vital to surviving the natural light-filled modernist decor, so you will be blinded even as you search for them.

Capricorn
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You will wake up suddenly to find your digital clock showing 6:66. Just as you are about to put your glasses on, you will realize you don’t own a digital clock.

Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
While lost in the labyrinth of the bookstore, you will bump into a pair of men with beards stretching down to their waists, wearing newspapers folded into the shape of pants. They know about the ox-men. They’ve always known.

Pisces
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
On your way to MacHall for lunch, you will encounter a kangaroo hopping across campus with a baby joey in its pouch wearing shades and puffing on a cigar. Damn, that joey looks cool.

Aries
(March 21 – April 19)
The three-wheeled car from Mr. Bean will roll in front of you while you’re waiting for the bus. The driver will ask if you need a ride but the safety and fuel-efficiency of his vehicle will make you hesitate.

Taurus
(April 20 – May 20)
While playing squash with your best friend, he will suddenly turn into an over-ripe butternut squash. You will take his wallet and surreptitiously walk away, no questions asked.

Gemini
(May 21 – June 20)
The next time you eat an egg-salad sandwich you will discover a pea-sized duck inside. Compelled to throw it into your mouth, you will swallow it whole. You realize after that the duck’s entire family was watching you the whole time. You will never live this down.

Cancer
(June 21 – July 22)
During a game of bubble soccer, you will start to float away, narrowly missing out on an opportunity to score. Stuck on the gym ceiling for three days, you will lament the shame you have brought upon your entire family of bubble-soccer all-stars. They’ll never accept you now. Why couldn’t you be more like you older brother? He was so good at bubble-soccer.

Leo
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
While you’re doing your laundry, you will open the washing machine to find a tiny raccoon living inside. The raccoon will awake, produce a shank fashioned out of a lint roller and threaten to end you. You should’ve known this would be your demise.