Five ways to speed up your campus commute

By Derek Baker, September 24 2015 —

Congested hallways are a common problem at the University of Calgary as students travel between classes. Sometimes your commute is doubled just by the number of people around. Here are a few revolutionary ways to travel through the university’s traffic.

Razor® scooter: The beloved childhood toy is a fantastic way to get to your next class.  A scooter is also a great way to boost your street-cred with your peers as you push your way through the tunnels.  As an added bonus, you will develop the beefiest calf muscle in your pushing leg.  Don’t forget your helmet, and don’t listen to the haters — you are the epitome of cool.

Vespa: You cheeky, cultured individual, you.  Don’t allow yourself to get frustrated with the stagnant crowd.  Instead, hop on your Italian moped and imagine yourself far away from here.  As you cruise through MacHall, picture the fast-food kiosks as little European bakeries while you wave “Ciao!” to all your friends.

Bubble Soccer ball: To make it to your next lecture on time, roll your way through first-floor Science Theatres while blasting the audio masterpiece that is Ludacris’ “Move Bitch.”

Private helicopter: Avoid the general student population altogether by flying over it.  Plans for helicopter landing pads are underway on top of TFDL, Biological Sciences, and the Olympic Oval.  President Cannon will commend your travel method and all of us will raise our eyes high to watch you fly to your ECON 201 class.

Teleportation: The physics department was hard at work over the summer perfecting their teleportation machines. Step in and be instantly zapped to wherever you’d like to go around campus.  Be warned: the technology is still a prototype and there have been reports of  clothes not making it through the void of time and space.