Horoscopes: September 24

By Clara Sadler, September 24, 2015 —

Virgo
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You will be drafted into the Skeleton War. After you die, your bones will rise from the grave to fight for a cause they truly believe in.

Libra
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
An off-brand Minion toy that you won at a county fair will haunt you. It will follow you no matter where you go.

Scorpio
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
After making the fateful decision to try La Taqueria’s fabled Oreo® churro, you will feel compelled to eat one every day for the rest of your sad, pathetic life.

Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
After sassing your co-worker one too many times, it will be declared that you are ‘feuding.’ The chart you will make to keep track of these feuds will go viral on Vine.

Capricorn
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
After being asked to run to your professor’s office and retrieve her glasses, she will later request you run to a different class to retrieve her lecture notes. This will escalate until she hands you the one ring and asks you to journey to Mt. Doom to destroy it. You will not survive.

Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
While walking downtown one day, you will see an old friend in the crowd. Only as you approach will you realize that the ‘friend’ you thought you saw is actually WWE wrestler John Cena. How did you not notice his theme song playing quietly in the background?

Pisces
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
After falling asleep during the first half of your lecture on petroleum economics, you’ll slowly realize that yes, the person two rows in front of you has been playing Hearthstone all lecture.

Aries
(March 21 – April 19)
You will order a bulk pack of Nerf® darts, but instead of regular soft foam ammunition, these darts will be made of solid steel. What started as a fun game will turn deadly.

Taurus
(April 20 – May 20)
While playing with a childhood friend on the farm, you will accidentally halve them with a machete. A nearby doctor will rush to their aid, but your friend will ultimately die. The doctor will say that it is one of the worst cases of being cut in half she’s ever seen.

Gemini
(May 21 – June 20)
You will order and consume an entire extra-large Dominoes® donair pizza. The shame of this act will follow you for several days afterwards.

Cancer
(June 21 – July 22)
After downloading the Ticket to Ride app, you will slowly become more and more invested in completing train routes across North America and then Europe as you pay $2.29 for the expansion. The game and its plethora of trains, routes, tickets and locomotives will replace all of your relationships. You brought this upon yourself.

Leo
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
Upon discovering a web game where you play a small cell trying to eat other cells, your character will be eaten by the dreaded Doge cell. This will crush your spirit and you will vow to never love again.