You will “lift up thine eyes” to your future

By Melanie Woods, October 6 2015 –

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You will wake up one morning to find that the Taylor family purchased the souls of every student at the University of Calgary. You are  now Taylor Student of Higher Education #4562.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You will lift up thine eyes and get shat on by a bird.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

In an attempt to be “hip with the kids,” university administration will hire you to run their Vine account. You will spend the rest of your life filming 6.5 second clips of Hozier parodies about the new construction projects on campus. “Take me to the Taylor Institute” will get exactly seven views.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

After U of C president Elizabeth Cannon is named “woman of the year” by Pantsuit Weekly, you will host a rousing protest at Hillary Clinton’s loss, citing Cannon’s habit of wearing skirt suits.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

To promote the new corporate branding strategy of “energizing” the Eyes High, you will be required to wear a pink Energizer Bunny suit at all times on campus.

 Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will become so successful that the university will name a squash court after you in 20 years. You’ve never played a game of squash in your life, but you are the squash-lord now.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

You will be chosen to represent the U of C at a high-end function for donors and community members. While walking to the stage, you will be so focused on keeping your eyes high that you will trip and accidentally knock over the entire Board of Governors, bowling pin style.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

When paying your tuition for the semester, you will notice a new fine print clause that requires the surrender of your firstborn. There is nothing you can do to save your beautiful child.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

You will enroll in a university-run cross-fit program. Now lift up thine thighs!

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

You will stand on administration’s $150,000 glass staircase and loudly say “fight me IRL” until campus security escorts you off of the premises.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Fed up with the corporate branding of post-secondary institutions, you will take a trip to the mountains to clear your mind. Upon reaching the summit of your hike you’ll realize that your eyes have never been higher. Fuck.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You will come across a new ranking that lists the U of C as the number one university in Canada when it comes to distributing misleading statistics.