Get ready for your future, because we know it

By Simran Kaler, November 17 2015 —

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

If you come across a ladder, climb one step and there will be chocolate in your future. Climb three steps and there will be nuts in your future.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will find an eyelash in your morning Starbucks®. At first you’ll find it totally disgusting, but you’ll quickly realize you could really use one free wish in these tough economic times.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Avoid escalators. If you do step on an escalator, all of the decorations set up for the nearby mall Santa’s workshop will collapse, crushing the mall Santa. You’ll then realize you just killed the real Santa and will have to postpone your university education to cover for him at the North Pole. The elves will unionize and strike against you for increased benefits.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You will find a five dollar bill stapled to one of those bulletin boards in the hallway between Science A and B.

 Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will come across a blind snake that offers to do an intercession for you to get a good grade on the paper you’ve been stressing about. However, it will require payment in the form of a salami stick and you just ate your last one.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

While walking, you will trip. Then you will get back up and continue walking. There are no injuries.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

Upon realizing how commercial the holiday season is, you will stop to take a minute to ponder humanity’s detrimental effect on the earth. You will then set your alarm to hit up those sweet Black Friday sales.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

If you skip the second step while going up a flight of stairs, you will be 3.72 per cent more susceptible to contracting the bubonic plague.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

You will find a rabbit hole filled with mystical wonders, but will be running late for a midterm and unable to explore it. However, you will end up rereading Alice in Wonderland.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

If you come across a winding staircase, run up the steps as fast as you can while skipping every third — it will all make sense later. Do not despair. Trust us, we know everything.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Someone will tell you the chances of you not passing your exams are the same as hell freezing over. You should buy a comfortable parka — just to be safe.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You will find an entire uneaten pepperoni pizza on the bus while on your way to Safeway to buy groceries. After waiting several stops to make sure no one would claim it you will eat the entire pizza. It will taste fine, but you will immediately regret your decision.