Your future is super sensual

By Joie Atejira, January 28 2016 —

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Your hotline’s going to bling, and it will be the booty call you’ve been waiting for.

 Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

Don’t forget to remind your roommate not to drop by you and your friend’s “study session” tomorrow night.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

After a particularly adventurous evening, you’ll find several green Skittles in unexpected places.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

While you will try to channel the energy of Taurus the bull in bed, the result will be more like “small baby calf.”

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

You’re the captain now.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

You will invite your partner over for “Netflix and chill,” but they’ll show you how much more fun “Hulu and do you” is. Thank goodness it wasn’t “Shomi and blow me.”

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Your partner will decide that watching the last four episodes of Friends is considered foreplay. You will be forced to dump them immediately the next morning.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You will finally be able to apply all your older sister’s sexual advice when you hook up with her ex.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Cancel your plans and drop by 7-Eleven. Her parents aren’t home and those little taquitos are three for $2.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You will have to buy a new bed — check the IKEA as-is section.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Your neighbours will come up with a new nickname for you after repeatedly being kept up by your howling. Congratulations, “moon-dawg.”

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

After a night involving bells, whistles, three metres of packing tape and a single strand of red thread, you’ll wish your partner hadn’t seen 50 Shades of Grey.