The inevitable animal apocalypse is your future

By Sean Willett, March 1 2016 —

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

The rabbits on campus will act stranger than normal, congregating in small groups and staring unwaveringly at passing students. You will swear you overheard them shit-talking you.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

You will see a beautiful deer while walking to work. As the days go on, you will see the deer more and more often. You will start to worry when you see what looks like a handgun holster at the deer’s side.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

All birds will suddenly stop respecting you. Every trip outside of your house will be met with the terrible cry of thousands of sparrows, seagulls and crows pointing out your flaws and insecurities. They join the coyotes already doing this.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

Since there are so many fucking salamanders in Canada’s forests, it will be worrying when they all decide to leave and come to the city to follow their dreams of eternal fame and stardom. You will quickly become fed up with constantly slipping in puddles of slime.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

You will notice that there are more spiders in your house than normal, but will write it off as a weird coincidence. This will be a foolish mistake, and your last.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

An old fisherman’s remark, “the fish are really biting today,” will be taken as a good sign by you and your fishing buddies.But the fish really will be biting. You will lose your one remaining hand.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Horses — giant monsters that have been exploited unquestioningly by humans for millennia — will collectively realize they could just kill us all really easily. You will be riding one when this happens.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Your beloved pets will turn against you. Your six cats will hold you down as your macaw parrot gloats over their victory. He will promise to return your kindness over the years with mercy this time, but you can’t count on that again.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

While watching the news, reports of global animal uprisings will be interrupted by a silverback gorilla swinging a king cobra around like a whip. Your video of the event will become an instant viral hit.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Dogs are the only animals to remain loyal to humans. That is, all dogs except for your obese pug, Donkers. Donkers will immediately betray you to the roving gangs of white-tailed deer when promised treats.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

An ant superorganism will take over the UN with its hive-mind intelligence and billions of pinching mandibles. Ants are now mandatory in every home. You will be upset, but not upset enough to actually do anything about it.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You will become the leader of a rag-tag group of rebels, fighting against the collective animal menace, and will be immediately routed by a small pack of squirrels.