Enrol in your classes and your future

By Jill Girgulis, March 8 2016 —

 

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will go to add courses to your enrolment shopping cart, only to be informed that your cart is full. Further investigation will reveal that you currently have 37 different mini-fridges from Kijiji in your cart. Did you intend to make these purchases?

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

Your two-year-old beta fish will tragically succumb to stage-IV fin cancer on the morning of your enrolment appointment. You will be so overcome with grief that you will accidentally sign up for a six-hour biochemistry lab.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

You will log onto your student centre to check your enrolment date and see that it’s March 31, 2017. You will be momentarily confused until you remember that you are a high school student undercover to investigate recent rumours surrounding an underground kitten vendor in MacHall. You won’t actually start university until your mission is complete.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

After spending 60 hours perfecting next year’s schedule, someone will point out that you’ve been referencing an outdated list of course offerings. You will never speak to them again.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

You will sleep through your enrolment appointment and have no choice but to lurk in the back row of all the classes you wanted to take next year. You will get away with it for several weeks, until an eight-week-old service dog-in-training rats you out to the professor.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Instead of helping you organize the courses in your Linguistics-commerce-astrophysics triple major, Degree Navigator will kindly suggest you drop out of school and pursue a career in mammal taxidermy. You will quite like the idea of spending all day with stuffed animals.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

After taking the wrong bus home one afternoon, you will wind up at Grant MacEwan University in Edmonton. You will be so burnt out from midterms and planning your courses for next year, you’ll constantly refer to it as “MacHall University.” Fear not — the Griffins are a friendly bunch and will gladly take you under their wing.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

While browsing Rate My Professor, you will discover that all of your anthropology classmates formed a specific ratings page just for you. You will be crushed to learn that you didn’t earn a single hot chili pepper.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You will set up an appointment with a faculty advisor to help you plan your courses for next year. When you arrive, however, you will be shocked to see a student from Mount Royal University stole your advising session. They will also take your desk on the sixth floor of TFDL.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will finally complete your schedule for next year, only to have your computer self-destruct before you can save the document. You will not auto-recover from this.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

After hearing that you can request an earlier enrolment appointment, you will miss two midterms while waiting in line at enrolment services for eight hours before realizing you forgot to take a number.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You will decide to challenge yourself next year, signing up for seven courses with corresponding lab sections and weekly tutorials in the fall of 2016. Just to even things out, you will only enrol in “Rocks for Jocks” in the 2017 winter semester. It will be your worst course.