It’s raining your future, hallelujah

By Simran Kaler, March 15 2016 —

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

If a snowman ask you to journey to his winter wonderland after class, politely decline. He’ll probably melt by then and that’s an awkward interaction you will want to avoid.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

You will step outside holding an umbrella. If it isn’t raining, at least it will be a great conversation starter.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

Do not ignore the weather forecast this week. It will be correct upwards of two times.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

If you sneeze in the morning, you’ll be sweating by afternoon. Or come into great fortune — the stars are iffy on this one.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

If a groundhog crosses your path and offers to disclose the secret of Calgary’s weather, walk away. Humanity is not ready for that kind of knowledge.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Jack Frost will nip at your nose. You will punch him in the mouth.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

If you see a groundhog outside it means six more weeks of winter. If you see the sun shining, it means the long-awaited apocalypse is upon us.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

A bird migrating north for the summer will ask if you want to join them on a trip to Nunavut and you will excitedly jump on their back. The bird will be unable to get off the ground. You’re just too heavy.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

It will rain while you are outside. The only umbrella you will have on you is one of those tiny ones for garnishing tropical drinks.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will become so angry at the ever-changing temperature that you will proceed to yell at the clouds. They will prove their dominance by making it snow. Never get into an argument with a cloud.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

If you wake up in the morning and there are no clouds in the sky, squirrels will become our overlords. Maybe not tomorrow — but someday.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

It will start raining books. Remember to bring a wooden plank for a shield, or you will be knocked unconscious and miss the rest of your classes.