The Junos are in town, and so is your future

By Melanie Woods, March 22 2016 —

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

After meeting Carly Rae Jepsen in the basement of a seedy bar in the East Village, you will suddenly be unable to express your love of something without saying that you really really really really really really really like it.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

Someone will corner you in the street and invite you to an exclusive experimental Junos concert. The headliner will be three cats with  trombones, and you will have the night of your life.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

While listening to Avril Lavigne, you’ll observe an encounter between two people on the street. He was a boy, she was a girl, rape culture meant she was immediately fearful when he started walking toward her.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

You will call 1-800-Hotline-Bling. Drake will answer and weep softly into the phone. You will also feel compelled to weep. After spending two hours weeping softly over the phone with Drake, you will feel fulfilled.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will take Justin Bieber’s advice to “Love Yourself,” run a bubble bath and spend some quality time with your left hand.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You will win a Juno. Literally no one will care.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Near, far, wherever you are — Céline Dion will be there and it will be really creepy.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

After pointing out to Alanis Morissette that none of the things in her song “Ironic” are actually ironic, she’ll punch you and ask if that’s fucking ironic.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will look at a photograph of Nickleback and black out.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

This year’s Junos host Jon Montgomery will approach you on the street and offer you a pitcher of beer to celebrate your gold medal victory in skeleton. You’ve never done skeleton in your life.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

While walking through the suburbs with your family one sunny afternoon, Arcade Fire will kidnap you to join their glockenspiel commune.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will suddenly be unable to feel your face. The Weeknd is to blame.