Have Thanksgiving dinner with your future

By Jill Girgulis, October 6 2016 — 

 

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

During an engaging grammar history lecture on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, you will slip into premature hibernation and awake just in time for final exams in April.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Eager to demonstrate your ornithological anatomy knowledge to the extended family, you will use the Thanksgiving turkey as your specimen. Your mom will take advantage of your enthusiasm and trick you into preparing the entire meal.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will declare yourself a “mash-atarian” this holiday season, consuming exclusively mashed taters from now until January.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You will sell your laptop and smartphone to buy a plane ticket to Long Island in time for American Thanksgiving in November. This is the extreme version of “going for seconds.”

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Notable individuals on your list of thank-yous include Tim Hortons for offering an affordable way to satisfy your pumpkin spice fix, Katniss Everdeen for skewing your idea of what a cornucopia is supposed to look like and dried leaf carcasses for being so satisfyingly crunchy.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20) 

The concept of a “turducken” isn’t exciting enough for you, so you will decide to up your game this year by serving “emupeagle” — an eagle stuffed inside a peacock jammed inside an emu — to your guests.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

You will mistakenly think Thanksgiving weekend is the fall version of reading week. As your classmates sit down to tackle a two-hour organic chemistry midterm, you will gear up to tackle a 15-inch mountain of nachos in Margaritaville.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

It will slowly dawn on you that pumpkin pie is no longer exclusively a holiday treat — it’s a year-round guilty pleasure. You will buy yourself some pie on the way home tomorrow to mark the occasion, which you will consume in one sitting.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

You will try to be fancy this year and switch out cranberry sauce for blue raspberry sauce. You will regret everything.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

In order to make everyone happy, your Thanksgiving day outfit will consist of white shorts, candy corn leggings, a poppy and an ugly Christmas sweater.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Due to the changing seasons, you will fall asleep at 4:30 p.m. in the afternoon on Thanksgiving and wake up to discover that all you’ve been left with is the brown meat, even when your brother fully knew that you’re a white meat kind of person.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

In an attempt to save money, you will travel 5,000 kilometres across the country to your hometown via hitchhiking. Inexplicably, you will arrive at your destination without your thumb.