Seven ways to make back $1.9 million

By Derek Baker, October 18 2016 —

After an unsuccessful injunction request by the Students’ Union to maintain control over MacHall, the University of Calgary has taken over the operation of the building for the duration of the ownership lawsuit. With the ruling, the SU has lost $1.9 million in annual revenue. Here are seven tips to make that money back.

 

Have a bake sale in Science B:

A classic technique among student clubs at the U of C for raising funds. Set up a table outside of the MacHall link and start selling an assortment of baked goods. However, simply selling cookies obviously isn’t going to cut it. The SU should bake some of that edible gold stuff into their treats and charge $1,000 a pop. If the edible gold is too difficult to obtain, they should just throw some weed into the brownies and price to reflect as such. We promise we won’t tell anyone.

 

Hike up SU fees:

Though probably the most controversial option, increasing the annual amount we pay to the SU — which is currently among the lowest in Canada — could be a way to make up the lost revenue. Fee hikes would need to be passed through a referendum, but if they were, the inescapable membership to our SU would ensure constant cash inflow. Plus, it would be entertaining as hell to watch the vocal libertarians on campus lose their shit over fee increases.

 

Create a pyramid scheme with the SU at the top:

Those companies that give a pitch at the front of a lecture theatre promising students a job with fantastic pay may be the perfect solution. Since knives are already taken by Vector Marketing®, might we suggest that the SU create a company that sells state-of-the-art kitchen whisks? Like, really, really cool kitchen whisks. They should employ eager first-years to do all the hard work, promising that it “looks great on your resumé” and sit pretty at the top while that profit flows in.

 

Put it on Visa:

Money is a meaningless social construct. Does the SU really need to balance their books? They shouldn’t even bother trying to make up the lost revenue and just go into debt. Hey, everyone’s doing it these days — it’s the greatest trend of our generation. And if someone eventually comes after the SU for being in the red for too long, the current executive will have hopefully graduated years ago. That’s something for future students to deal with. Have fun.

 

Decrease prices at the Den:

Though it may seem counter-intuitive, lowering prices at the Den may actually lead to higher profits in the long run. With cheaper prices, people will be able to get more lit more quick. This will result in a positive feedback loop, with turnt students purchasing more drinks throughout the duration of a Thursden. The SU needs us during this difficult time, guys — take one for the team and order enough triple-vodka slimes to fill a bathtub.

 

Resort to stripping:

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Who hasn’t said at one point or another if things don’t work out that they’ll resort to stripping? Well, guess what — things aren’t working out right now for MacHall. The SU needs to create a new weekly stripper night at the Den and start raking in those dolla-dolla-bills. The stage and large concrete pillars in the Den are already perfectly set up for Magic Guscott XXL, so what’s the SU waiting for?

 

“Accidentally” get hit by a car:

If you don’t mind spending a few months in hospital, getting “accidentally” hit by a car is definitely the smartest idea ever. The crosswalk of doom between ICT and EEEL is the perfect place to get hit and start receiving that sweet settlement or compensation money. Who knows — lucky SU members might also get out of writing an exam or two if their department is in a good mood. Bonus points if they manage to get hit by Elizabeth Cannon’s sick ride.

 

This article is part of our humour section.