Your future is foretold in these spooky horror-scopes

By Derek Baker, October 25 2016 —

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You have a midterm on the night of the Halloween party you’re going to since your professor is a jerk. To the dismay of your professor, you will nonchalantly write the midterm in a slutty Minion costume as if this is a regular occurrence.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

How many chocolate bars will you eat this Halloween? The answer to that question isn’t necessarily a number, but a word — self-disgust.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Your family will be divided in choosing what candy to hand out to trick-or-treaters — mini bags of chips or Caramilk chocolate bars? On Halloween night, your family will split into two teams and hand out both treats. The children will take full advantage of you.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

While baking a pumpkin pie, you and your friends will hold a séance while it is in the oven. You will contact the spirit of the pump-king used in the pie. He will be very angry at you.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20) 

In order to make it to Walmart early and buy all of the discounted candy, you will set your alarm for 5:00 a.m. on the morning of Nov. 1. You will bring home six packs of mini-Maynard’s, eight packs of Reese’s peanut butter cups and four packs of Starbursts — all of which you will have consumed by noon. You animal.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

Deciding to be an asshole, you will hand out both toothbrushes and raisins as Halloween treats to trick-or-treaters. Hopefully you wanted your house to resemble an omelette.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

You will get so high that you will try to provoke your dog into biting you so you can catch lycanthropy. You will then get arrested on the street outside of your house after running around naked howling at the moon.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

This Halloween season will inspire you to convert to paganism. You will spend the remainder of your life running around semi-nude in the forest. You will be happier than any of us ever will be.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

A spooky ghost will tap you on the shoulder on Halloween night outside of the University of Calgary. This is the ghost of MacHall past, and you can’t help but feel sorry for him as you look into his dead, sorrowful eyes.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

After a long night of taking your younger sibling trick-or-treating, you will jokingly claim that you deserve a 10 per cent commission on their candy. Unblinkingly, your six-year-old sibling will look you dead in the eye and say, “screw you.”

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You will be shocked that the Fox remake of the Rocky Horror Picture Show directed by High School Musical’s Kenny Ortega  does not live up to your expectations. Despite what they tell us, maybe we actually shouldn’t do the Timewarp again.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

To get into the spoopy spirit, you will exclusively listen to the “Spooky Scary Skeletons” trap remix on repeat from now until Halloween. It will be — as the kids say — lit AF.