The sun will come out tomorrow and so will your future with these horoscopes

By Derek Baker, January 24 2017 —

 

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

After hitting snooze on your phone’s alarm for the seventh time in a row, Siri will make a snide comment, saying that you will amount to nothing in your life.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20) 

You will watch your roommate unblinkingly brush his teeth after drinking a full glass of orange juice. You will then proceed to call an exorcist — that shit ain’t natural.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

While waiting for the bus to take you to school, another person will sit uncomfortably close beside you on the bench. They’ll ask if you want to take a peek inside their bag, which you will hesitantly agree to. As they open their bag, a rabid lemur will jump out and bite your nose.Just another day on Calgary Transit.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

While showering before school, the water will inexplicably switch between burning hot and icy cold. Thinking that something with the pipes is broken, you will go to check your hot water tank, only to see your younger brother maniacally laughing as he plays with the valves. He is a little shit, but you still love him.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

While biking to campus one morning, it will be so cold that your feet will freeze to your pedals. This is how you will have to attend lecture today.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

After pulling an all-nighter to finish an assignment, you will proudly complete it, print it off and staple it together. Only after you come home from school later that day will you notice that page three is on the floor beside your printer — which probably means there isn’t a page three attached to your assignment.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Really tired one morning, you will ask the barista to put an absurdly large number of espresso shots in your coffee. Though you’ll still feel just as tired after drinking it, your heart will pound faster than it ever has and you will see colours you’ve never seen before. Whoa.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

After watching the second train in a row pass by full of passengers, you will climb on top of the next one and train surf all the way to campus. Be sure to duck at the tunnels!

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You will make peanut butter toast one morning for breakfast. After turning away from it for only a second, you will look back and see that half of your toast is eaten and there are small hippopotamus footprints leading away from your plate. They really do exist!

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You will wake up to see the sun shining, hear the birds chirping, feel a warm breeze on your skin and have Peer Gynt’s “Morning” playing sweetly in the background. Though this sounds pleasant, you will begin to panic because you know you live in Calgary in January. Shit — climate change is real.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

While deciding what to wear one morning, you will look in the back of your closet and think you’ve been transported to Narnia. Walking around and talking to a bunch of animals, you will then notice that they’re actually just plush toys. Turns out you were still coming down from last night’s acid trip.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

While walking through MacHall on the way to your first class, you will see the ridiculously long line at Tim Hortons and go through the daily existential debate questioning whether you really need coffee. You will reluctantly join the back of the line because you are weak.