Your future looks very sexy

By Tina Shaygan, January 31 2017 —

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You will pop your hip out trying a new sex position you read about in Cosmopolitan. Turns out, having sex upside down with chocolate sauce spread over your body requires athletic ability you do not possess.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20) 

You will miss all your classes this week. Why? You’ve discovered the lure of post-break up Tinder and will have wild sex with strangers all week long.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

You will discover the magic of bath bombs. You’ll never need to have sex again because you have just realized what a true orgasm feels like.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

On your walk of shame back home one morning, you’ll run into every person you have ever had sex with. You’ve been warned.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

You’ll finally lose your virginity this week. It will be the best 10 seconds of your life and you will cry tears of joy.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

After sitting beside the same person in TFDL for 12 hours, you’ll spontaneously decide to have sex between the bookshelves. It will be as hot and wild for as long as your all-nighter paper writing life allows — a full five minutes of passion.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Your parents will walk in on you having sex. They’ll express their deep disappointment after realizing you only know missionary and 69 — mama didn’t raise you like that.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

After realizing you’ve had sex with all your Tinder matches and regular Thursden-ers, you’re ready to find your soulmate. Unfortunately, you’ve already slept with them and didn’t call them back.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You’ll have sex three to five times this week. Nothing weird will happen. It will just be a genuinely good week.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

After seeing a photo of your ex with another person on Instagram, you will be filled with so much self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy that you can no longer perform sexually. Ever again. There is no way for you to avoid this. Reflect on your last shag like it was your last time ever — because it was.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You’ll use way too much lube while getting frisky one night. Little did you know, it’s warming lube Your genitals will be on fire, metaphorically and literally.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You’ll steal a couch from one of the SU offices to have sex on. Your actions will lead to miserable cockblocking of the person the office couch belongs to.