Family of bears sues SU after forest home demolished to print campaign posters

By Derek Baker, February 28 2017 —

As the 2017 Students’ Union general election begins, any exposed surface on campus is once again plastered with candidates’ posters from floor to ceiling.

However, one family of bears is feeling the negative effects of this year’s election season.

Mama bear is not impressed. // Public Domain

“We woke up one morning to find all the trees were gone. All that was left were a few stumps,” mother bear Gertrude Grizzley said. “I asked a lumberjack where it all went and he said it was going to some school in Calgary where the students pretend to be a government.”

Feeling they had no other option, the Grizzleys are now taking the SU to court to recover damages.

Though the large number of posters during SU election season frequently draws the ire of students, this year appears to be especially excessive. In total, 600,000 hectares of forest were harvested in order to supply enough paper for every poster.

“Yeah, there are rules in place that limit the number of posters we’re allowed to hang up, but they’re more like suggestions. No one really enforces them,” third-year Faculty of Arts representative candidate Vera Vox said while preparing to print 2,000 copies of her poster. “Like, no one is actually going to go around and count each candidate’s posters, so we just see how long the ink cartridges last.”

Still, the effect of the mass-deforestation following this year’s election campaign is being felt by many creatures. Grizzley described the accounts she heard from her cousin up north.

“Apparently, there isn’t any sea ice to hunt on and they’re all dropping like flies up there. So, that’s great.” Grizzley said. “We lost so many trees that less carbon dioxide is absorbed from the atmosphere, contributing to global warming. But I mean, just do whatever it takes to be elected faculty rep, am I right?”

Fearing a class-action lawsuit from the entire collective of Canadian bears, the SU has set aside a $850,000 poster defence fund. The SU is determined that they can win any case that could be brought forward, because they feel any judge will obviously take their word that they’re in the right.

Many candidates are still convinced that the only way to win a position on the SU is to have the most posters. Second-year Faculty of Science representative candidate Nate Newsburry felt that his campaign posters will have a positive impact on the world.

Posters are definitely the best way to engage students. // Photo by Genesis Kayenbamunga

“My campaign centres around the theme of ‘sustainability.’ How will people know how sustainable I am without telling them on all these posters?” Newsburry said while taping his 700th poster to a pillar. “If I’m elected as a science rep, I think it’s really important to pursue sustainable goals to sustain the sustainability on campus.”

Newsburry then noticed that his poster was crooked. He tried taking it off the wall, but the tape ripped the paper, forcing Newsburry to throw it in the garbage and try again with a new one.

Whether Grizzley wins her case or not, she says she will still remain optimistic of any outcome.

“I’m a friggin bear. I’ll just eat their faces off next time I see them. It’s really a win-win.”

This article is a part of our Humour section.