Jughead’s take on Riverdale

By Jill Girgulis, March 7 2017 —

This is the story of a boy. Once wholesome and innocent, he is now forever changed by a new CW show.

The boy in question is Archie Andrews. Those familiar with Archie Comics’ know that this freckle-faced redhead is wholly undeserving of an entire TV show of his own. Thankfully, that’s not what this show is about. The CW’s latest offering, Riverdale, eschews its comic book premise in exchange for a more sinister view of Archie’s hometown. All your favourite characters are still here, but I’m just telling you now — the Riverdale universe has a couple of minor changes from its comic counterpart. But it’s just minor stuff, don’t worry.

For example, Archie’s parents are split up, and Veronica Lodge’s family is somewhat less rich. Betty Cooper is not super athletic — and as for myself, Jughead Jones, I don’t have my trusty pet Hot Dog by my side.

Oh, and there’s also the small detail that the show’s entire premise is that our town is dealing with the ongoing murder investigation of Cheryl Blossom’s twin brother, Jason. It’s only slightly different than the comics. Just slightly.

I’m here to convince you to watch our show. At least, I think I am. To be honest, I had to take time out of the murder investigation to do this, so forgive me if it’s a bit unpolished.

If I were to summarize Riverdale in a paragraph or two, I would start with this — in our town, parents are crazy. It’s just a given. All those mild-mannered adults from the comics have become, in some way or another, simply horrible. Like, just awful. In the comic books, the worst that ever happened was that Hiram Lodge had Archie thrown out of the Lodge Mansion at least once a story. But on Riverdale, adultery, shady business deals, family secrets and blood feuds are just normal parts of life for the gang’s parents.

To bring home my point, let’s talk about Betty’s mom. How much do you remember about Alice Cooper from the comics? Nothing? I thought so. That’s because she was the sweet, supportive and unremarkable mother of our kind, sweet Betty. Instead, in Riverdale, she’s an insane, passive-aggressive journalist who pushes Adderall and friendship bans on her 10th-grade daughter and leaks Jason’s autopsy report in the local newspaper. Kind of like those weirdos at the Gauntlet.

We’re six episodes into the show so far and while I can’t exactly tell you about the murder investigation — you’ll have to buy my novel to find out the details — some clues have definitely been revealed. Watch our show if you want to see Veronica shut down haters, Betty and I channel the Hardy Boys or Archie struggle with the emergence of his “promising” musical career. Spoiler — he can’t sing and I can’t write. But otherwise, I don’t really care whether or not you watch our show. Just don’t blame me for the murder.

This article is part of our humour section.