Spring into your future with these very real horoscopes

By Grant Jackson, March 21 2017 —

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

Spring is here and that means it’s appropriate to wear shorts. But please, for the love of all things holy, wear nice khaki shorts. Keep those board shorts at home.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

Your future is so bright that you decide to wear your sunglasses during lecture. Your peers will think you’re super cool and the prof is guaranteed to give you that sweet A+ for your daring fashion choice.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

Reward yourself for all of your hard work up to this point by studying poolside this month for that big midterm. Who cares if someone splashes your $300 textbook — it wasn’t like you were actually going to read it.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

You should be aware of the dangers of skin cancer this spring, so wear lots of sunscreen.  This isn’t even a joke — I’m just a friendly horoscope writer who wants you to live a long and healthy life.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will be in the mood for a spring fling. Make sure to wear lots of bucket hats to let prospective partners know you’re a real catch.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You will spend most of your month on the patio enjoying the warm weather, “practising” for Bermuda Shorts Day.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You will shake up your usual unproductive routine of watching Netflix on your computer, to watching Netflix on your computer outside. There’s a big difference.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You will spend this month consistently over-dressed for the warm weather and gain a reputation for being unnaturally sweaty.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will take note of the people slip-n-sliding outside and slip-n-slide into your crush’s DM’s. They’ll love that.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You, being wise, will disregard all of the previous horoscopes, as this is Calgary and spring is really just second winter. Wait, why are you reading other people’s horoscopes?  This month, why don’t you mind your own damn business.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) 

You will have to come up with more creative excuses then “it’s the middle of winter” for staying inside all day this month.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will spend this month on the sixth floor of the TFDL imagining what the beautiful weather must feel like.