Your future is a sweltering hot summer day

By Derek Baker, April 27 2017 —

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

Since every day is summer during your summer class, the whole class will break out in song, singing High School Musical 2’s “What Time Is It,” at the end of each lecture. It’s a vacation!

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

A game of ultimate frisbee will spontaneously start during class. Though everyone thought your professor would be really angry about it, he was actually the most into it. Who knew Dr. Smith could throw elbows and sling airbenders?

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

It will be so hot in the lecture theatre one day that everything — yourself included — will begin to melt. You will now learn fluid mechanics as a literal fluid. This is the truest form of experiential learning.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

Your class will nickname you “Slurpee Guy” after stopping at Stör to grab a large grape slushie before every lecture. Even your professor will refuse to mark your paper because he didn’t recognize your real name on the title page.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will manage to convince your professor to have lecture outside on the Prairie Chicken hill. Some jerk will ruin it for everyone by getting struck by lightning during a sudden thunderstorm, making the class go back inside for the rest of summer.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

While trying to balance a job and classes during your summer, you will burn out before Fall 2017 even begins. This isn’t even a joke — life just really sucks sometimes.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You will go on vacation during your summer course, missing the majority of the lectures. This will somehow be your best class in your entire degree.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

After dropping PHYS 211, you will use the textbook as kindling to start a backyard bonfire. It’s a much more practical use, if I do say so myself.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

While cramming for a midterm one evening on the sixth floor of the TFDL, you will look over to the Summer Den patio night. You will give in and join the party, consequently failing calculus for the third term in a row.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You will bring in your hedgehog as a class pet to your spring class. A cult will form, worshipping this hedgehog, who apparently told the rest of the class to sacrifice you for good grades.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Looking to pick up some easy credit in your final year, you’ll enrol in a 200-level summer class. This will be your toughest class ever as you listen to the deeply philosophic musings of newly minted second-year students.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will come up with a brilliant scheme to get a UPass over the spring and summer semesters by enrolling in two classes, then dropping one before the deadline. You will sleep through the drop deadline and be forced to take MATH 211 again.