By Derek Baker, September 26 2017 —
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You will stumble upon a neon green pumpkin at the store and bring it home to make pumpkin pie. This pumpkin was radioactive and you now have the ability to breathe fire. Sweet.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You will drink so many pumpkin spice lattes this October that 10 per cent of your blood will literally be this seasonal beverage. The Legislature will pass a new law prohibiting driving while under the influence of PSLs.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
A delicious-looking pumpkin pie will mysteriously appear on your doorstep. It is laced with weed. You will eat the whole thing and transcend the shackles of reality.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Cinnamon, pumpkin spice and everything nice. Uh-oh, you’re gonna bring back the cinnamon challenge and wind up with popcorn lung.
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
As the season gets darker and the sun becomes rare, your skin will become so white that even pumpkin spice becomes too spicy for you to handle.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
After receiving a particularly bad grade on a paper, you’ll take out your rage by smashing a pumpkin. That pumpkin had a family and his children will never see their father again. He was only two days from retirement.
(March 21 – April 19)
Waking up one morning, you will notice that your hands have inexplicably been replaced by pumpkins. You will be excited until you realize that you can’t grab your phone to Snapchat it.
(April 20 – May 20)
Since scary movies are too much for you, this Halloween you’ll watch It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. It’ll still be too intense for you.
(May 21 – June 20)
While at Dairy Queen, you will order a pumpkin pie blizzard, because they are the best. The resulting brain freeze will put you in a deep coma for the rest of the semester.
(June 21 – July 22)
In a GMO experiment gone wrong, a new strain of pumpkins will sprout wings and gain the ability to fly. It’s one thing for a bird to fly into your window, but have you ever seen the damage a pumpkin can do?
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
You’ll drink so many PSLs that you’ll throw up upon entering a Marble Slab Creamery. At least pumpkin still tastes okay coming up the other way.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You will attempt to grow the world’s largest pumpkin. The pumpkin will grow so large that it will engulf the entire planet. It’s an a-pumpkin-lypse.