Coca-Cola change causes chaos on campus

By Drew Thomas, October 12 2017 —

The University of Calgary announced last week that they were switching their exclusive cold beverage provider from Pepsi to Coca-Cola. The fallout of this fateful decision is expected to be more explosive than a diet cola bottle full of Mentos.

The decision to switch vendors polarized campus creating two warring factions. One group, calling themselves the “Cokeheads,” reacted strongly in favour of the change.

“We haven’t stopped celebrating since the news broke about the U of C becoming a Coke campus,” Cokehead spokesperson Stanley Snow said. “I mean, Coke is clearly the superior cold beverage. It gets you going in a way Pepsi just can’t.”

However, a protest about the change broke out outside MacHall. Pro-Pepsi defenders were heard across campus, shouting about keeping things “the way it was in their day.” The group is now deciding on its branding, with the slogan “Make Campus Pepsi Again” leading the pack of suggested ideas.

Many Pepsi advocates are in denial about the deal to switch beverage providers. They claim the U of C administration is espousing fake news.

“Administration claims to have undertaken a fair and in-depth review of the beverage vendors on campus,” second-year geology student and noted Pepsi devotee Cal Bradham said. “But we know if they took the Pepsi challenge we wouldn’t be having this discussion. Release the Pepsi challenge tapes!”

After getting a bit too riled up, the protester’s outrage was soothed after being handed a Pepsi from Kendall Jenner.

While most seem preoccupied with the news and how it will shape student politics, not everyone was so quick to take a stance. Third-year Students’ Union arts representative Hank Smith wants to cool the bipartisan tension by taking a more centrist approach.

“I know this has been a sticky issue, but I’ve actually always been partial to RC Cola,” Smith said, though his approach doesn’t seem to be gaining traction, as no one has ever preferred RC Cola.

A candlelight vigil planned by Pepsi fans will take place over the next few nights, with Pepsi supporters lining the Taylor Family Digital Library quad in the shape of a giant Pepsi globe. Instead of flowers, mourners request you send Pepsi products.

This article is part of our humour section.