What mishap will befall you on Bermuda Shorts Day?

By Frankie Hart, April 12 2017 —

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

A peer will throw up on your shirt. If the resulting shape resembles a heart, it’s a good sign for your love life. If it’s a dollar sign, financial success is on the way. If it’s a skull, throw that shirt out — now.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Your obsession with holographic material and insistence on wearing everything shiny will be your downfall. You’ll blind the DJ during their set.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

You’ll meet up with everyone at an afterparty. There’s a ball pit. Multiple atrocities are committed in the ball pit. You’ll pretend the liquid that ends up on your legs is simply someone’s spilt drink.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

You’ll wake up early to prepare the best BSD look ever, only for no one to acknowledge your outfit to any extent. Wack.

Leo

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Anticipating weed legalization, you’ll try making your own edibles. Your desire to be the host with the most will result in you burning down residence, but your weed-infused turducken will somehow survive.

Virgo

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

In a drunken stupor, you will forget that The Den is closed for BSD and inevitably find yourself crying outside The Den’s doors, begging whichever gods will listen for some crispy tot boys.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

As a BSD purist, you harken back to its origins, while rebelling against gendered fashion. So, you’ll show up in full drag, upgrading your Bermuda shorts to booty shorts. Slay.

Scorpio

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You’ve spent this year stressing so much that you’re too tired to party. Instead, you’ll spend the day sleeping. You’ll have a pretty sick dream, though.

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You‘ll roleplay BSD in your  Dungeons & Dragons campaign instead of attending. By the end of the night, the barbarian will accidentally drown the bard while trying to perform a keg stand. RIP Alexander Bangkovic the Eccentric.

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

In protest of the new ticket fee, you’ll stick it to the man and hold a dance marathon outside of admissions. You’ll be the only one to show up to said marathon and will dance until you pass out.

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

They said it could never be done. They said some planets just couldn’t be reached. But here you are, actually being arrested by the fashion police for your crimes on BSD. Are you sorry?

Pisces

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You’ll search the library’s witchcraft books for sunny weather incantations. You’ll mispronounce a word and immediately be struck by lightning.