What fate will befall you in this episode of the Treehouse of Horrorscopes?

By Matty Hume and Jason Herring, November 12 2018 —

Halloween has come and gone, but daily reality is the true source of fear. Here’s what your reading week has in store:

Scorpio

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Whoops! Your family getaway sounded fun but now this old mountain hotel is making your dad go pretty crazy! Boy, those twins really want to play with you! Oh wow, the walls are bleeding! Wacky!

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You lose your phone in your apartment, likely under a couch cushion. You’ll use a roommate’s phone to track it down but the call is coming from inside the house.

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Time for carve a chicken for Sunday dinner! Ah shit, why is it spewing blood everywhere? And why doesn’t this child have any skin? And sweet Christ, why is this ALF-looking motherfucker wearing a suit jacket?

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You’ll have a pretty wacky time with your partner at a cabin in the woods, to say the least. When you time travel to the Middle Ages, that’s when things get groovy.

Pisces

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You’ll get bit by a radioactive spider. You’re a spider-person now. Congratulations! You win horoscopes this week.

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Oh no! You have to bring your professor back to life or you’ll definitely fail this class! Maybe try your re-animation serum on like, a cat first.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Make sure you layer up on your way to the grocery store! You’ll be stuck in Antarctica for a doozy of a chilly evening. Don’t mind the disgusting blob-monster absorbing all your buddies into meat mush — you have your own haul!

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Freaky Friday! You’ve switched bodies with Jamie Lee Curtis but now you’re getting hunted by some dork whose William Shatner mask doesn’t even fit right.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Cowabunga, homie! Enjoy your vacation to Amity Falls. The surf is a killer escape from the fall chills this time of year. P.S. — you’re gonna need a bigger boat.

Leo

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You dingus! Your hubris in thinking you could perform a successful teleportation was a bogus idea from the start. Have fun morphing into the very fly that consumed your mind, first metaphorically and now literally, you dumbass.

Virgo

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You’ll hear some kids cryptically rhyming like straight-up weirdos on your way home. Hopefully it won’t be creepy enough to give you a bad dream!

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You’ll try to take advantage of the quiet study floors of TFDL. When your chip bag crinkles too loudly, those aliens with sensitive hearing they call ‘librarians’ will remove you from this quiet place.