An anti-social guide to sexting

By Aneeka Sandhu, February 9 2019 —

Dating is hard. It’s even harder when you’re at university struggling to stay awake for a whole lecture, let alone trying to meet new people. This is why a growing number of students are beginning to embrace the cold, hard, lonely single life. Sad. So, so sad. I’m crying right now as I write this.

For those of you with a love life to balance with school, time-savers are necessary to be getting As while getting some. What better way to do that than through some good old-fashioned sexting? Sexts are the ultimate 21st-century form of sexual contact. Here are a few tips to get you going.

Get acquainted:

We all know this is the number-one rule when on a first date — ask questions! Get to know your partner and see what they like and what they don’t. Don’t be selfish! God knows we all hate that in bed. Find out their deepest and darkest secrets. What’s their relationship with their mom like? What do they consider to be the most formative moment of their childhood? What’s their perspective on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict? These are crucial facts that need to be known before sending or receiving nudes.

Don’t be weird:

It’s easy to get carried away when you’re in the moment. Remember that when you’re sending sexy texts, the other person can’t see you or hear your voice and sometimes things that sound sexy in our heads are creepy over text. Remember that drunken night when you photoshopped your baby photos together to see what your baby could look like? Yeah, yeet that right into your trash bin.

Identify possible turn-ons:

Look for signs that what you’re saying is actually working. This is where all those years of analyzing essays in English might actually be useful. You want to take note of what gets a good response and what doesn’t. Read between the lines! They said they like birds? Birds have feathers and feathers are a tool used for tickling. Clearly, they have a tickling fetish.

Don’t skimp on the details:  

A hotdog ain’t the same without those sweet toppings. A hotdog without relish is bland, dry and just boring! A hotdog with relish is zesty, maybe spicy and a hell of a lot more flavourful. Foreplay isn’t just for the bedroom — it’s the best part of sexting too! A simple go-to for sexting foreplay is to describe a hotdog in intricate, sensual detail. You know you felt a little something at the beginning of this paragraph.

Remember, the most important tip when sexting: don’t be shy! Be adventurous! Step out your comfort zone! Ask for their hand in marriage! Try new things!

Oh, and remember to wash your hands. No one likes a sticky phone screen.