Horoscopes: The signs get roasted

By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, November 5 2021—

I know it’s bad to beat a dead horse, but diamonds are made under pressure.

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 22):

It’s Scorpio season and yet how are you single? Make it make sense.

(November 23 – December 21):

Denying an invitation to your best friend’s party who has done nothing to you is NOT self-care.

(December 22 – January 20):

Not every friend hangout is a networking event, stop doing icebreakers and asking everyone’s five-year plan.

(January 21 – February 19):

You’re not enlightened, you’re just regurgitating what your therapist said to you.

(February 20 – March 20):

You can’t keep switching between being numb and an emotional mess — it’s bad for your heart and acne.

(March 21 – April 20):

Stop shoving people out of the way, I promise you’ll get there in time without having to kick someone.

(April 21 – May 20):

Some might call you low-maintenance. I call you apathetic.

(May 21 – June 21):

If you keep flaking on your friends, you won’t have them around for much longer.

(June 22 – July 22):

Being known as the crybaby of the zodiac is not a stereotype and you know it.

(July 23 – August 21):

Being the centre of attention also means being responsible for your actions.

(August 22 – September 22):

You can’t replace human contact with a high GPA and multiple reference letters.

(September 23 – October 22):

Being indecisive is not “funny” or “quirky” — please hurry up, there’s a line behind you.

This article is part of our humour section.