Horoscopes Halloween Edition: What each zodiac should dress up as
By Josie Simon, October 30 2023—
With Halloween just around the corner, the pressure to pick the perfect costume is on. But if you still feel lost for ideas, don’t worry — the Gauntlet is here to save the day. Our expert suggestions will ensure you are the spookiest and most stylish guest at any Halloween party.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Jennifer Check from Jennifer’s Body (2009)
Aries, just like Jennifer Check, your god complex knows no bounds. Donning this costume will only amplify your fearless nature, making heads turn as you strut with undeserved and unwarranted confidence.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): An old, rusted nail found on the sidewalk
Taurus, like an old, rusted nail found on the sidewalk, you are simple yet robust and always there when your friends and family need your support.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Maui from Moana (2016)
Geminis, known for your epic mood swings, perfectly match Maui. Finally, your confusing and ever-changing emotions have a purpose beyond just making everyone around you want to wear noise-cancelling headphones.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Grim Reaper from Sims 4 (2014)
Cancers, if your pessimism is through the roof, embrace your inner Grim Reaper this Halloween — after all, we are all just one step closer to meeting him.
Leo (July 23-August 22): A purple ballpoint pen with “Best Student” engraved on the barrel
Leos, with your constant need for validation and attention, it is no wonder you are drawn to this pen. Not only will it showcase your impressive overachieving skills, but it also screams, “Notice me, I want an A+.”
Virgo (August 23-September 22): A handwritten love letter from the 1800s with a candle wax seal
Virgos are known for their attention to detail, and what is more detailed than a love letter from the 1800s? Why not bring a touch of romanticism to this spooky holiday?
Libra (September 23-October 22): An empty Tic Tac container, previously containing orange-flavoured mints
Libras are known for their love of balance and harmony, which is why this empty Tic Tac container is the perfect costume. It is simple yet symmetrical — just like you.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Blue Jeans (the horse) from Hannah Montana (2006-2011)
Blue Jeans is known for being intense and mysterious — just like Scorpios. Just watch your back around the paparazzi — they are always looking for the latest scoop on this enigmatic equine.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): The embalmed hand from Talk to Me (2022) Sagittarius, it is no surprise you are drawn to the embalmed hand from Talk to Me — after all, you are dead inside and find comfort in morbid and unsettling experiences.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): A Stanley Stainless Steel Tumbler, 40 oz
Capricorn, being notoriously bad with money, makes this 40 oz Stanley Tumbler your perfect match — because let’s be real, spending a lot of money on an insulated cup is just one more notch in our financially irresponsible belt.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Sexy claw clip
Much like the claw clip, Aquarians both have a knack for being fashionably late. You may think you are making a grand entrance, but you are just making everyone wish they picked a different accessory.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): A jar of handmade lavender and honey lip balm
Pisces, we know your ego is as big as your occasional commitment to eating organic food, but this handmade lavender and honey lip balm will not hide your saviour complex. It may smell sweet, but it will not make you any less insufferable.
There you have it — the perfect costumes for each zodiac sign. Whether you are a Jennifer Check or an empty Tic Tac container, remember to have fun and enjoy the spooky season. Happy Halloween!
This article is part of our humour section.