The zodiac signs and their signature sex positions
By Josie Simon, February 11 2025—
Aries (March 21–Apr.19): The Butterfly (Receiver)
Your rage issues and inability to wait for anything have turned foreplay into an Olympic sprint. The emergency room knows your name because you’ve kicked three partners in the face trying to rush into position. You’ve made “just stick it in” your personal mantra.
Taurus (Apr. 20–May 20): Spooning (Giver)
Your stubbornness means you haven’t changed positions since 2019. The bed has a permanent you-shaped dent, and you’ve been giving your partner the silent treatment since they suggested trying something new last spring.
Gemini (May 21–June 20): 69 (Switch)
Your chronic indecision and split personality mean you can’t pick just one role. You’ve started a group chat with yourself to debate positions, then ghosted yourself mid-conversation. Your partner needs a spreadsheet to track which personality they’re dealing with today.
Cancer (June 21–July 22): Missionary (Receiver)
Your emotional manipulation peaked when you faked an asthma attack because your partner closed their eyes for too long. You’ve created a PowerPoint presentation on “The Importance of Eye Contact During Climax.”
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): Cowgirl (Receiver)
You’ve moaned your own name so many times it’s become a local bird call. You’ve installed seating around your bed for your imaginary audience and started a masterclass on “The Art of Being Watched” at AUArts.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): Countertop (Giver)
Your obsessive need for control means you’ve measured and marked the exact spots where your partner’s hands should go. You’ve created a 46-page manual with diagrams. You’re constantly stopping mid-session to adjust alignment by 0.3 cm.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): The Golden Arch (Switch)
Your crippling indecisiveness means you’re still in the middle of your first time because you can’t commit to a position. You stop every thirty seconds to ask, “But what if we tried…” You’ve started multiple Instagram polls to decide which leg goes where.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): Doggy (Receiver)
Your obsession with power and control means you’ve mastered the art of backseat driving from the front position. You’ve installed mirrors at every angle to maintain intense eye contact while pretending you’re not emotionally invested. You’ve made three partners cry by whispering their darkest secrets during sex.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Rocking Horse (Giver)
Your idea of foreplay involves three dating apps, an escape room and a trapeze lesson. You’ve got a burner phone just for booty calls. You’ve mapped out every window’s climbing route before getting naked. The longest relationship you’ve maintained is with your chiropractor.
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): The Seashell (Receiver)
Your workaholic nature means you’re still answering emails during the sex. You’ve created a performance review template for your partners. Your orgasms have quarterly goals and KPIs.
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): Champagne Room (Giver)
Your need to be different means you’ve refused to do anything that could be considered mainstream. You’ve invented six new positions that defy physics. You insist that traditional orgasms are “too conformist.” Your sex playlist is just whale sounds played backwards.
Pisces (Feb. 19–Mar. 20): Oral (Switch)
Your escapist tendencies mean you’re never mentally present during the act. You’ve created an elaborate fantasy involving sea creatures and astronauts. You frequently forget which partner you’re actually with.
This article is part of our humour section.