Very serious horoscopes

By Melanie Bethune, February 5 2015 —

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You will soon discover that strip Settlers of Catan is a real thing and within 24 hours you’ll be naked in your office attempting to barter three ore and two wheat for the right to put your shirt back on.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

The rabbits on your walk to the train station will love you no longer and abandon you. They will sit just slightly farther back in the snowy grass, and deep within their rabbit eyes you will see that they haven’t forgiven you for something. You just can’t place what it is. It will haunt you.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will meet a tall, lanky stranger in the Tim Hortons lineup. If he orders a steeped tea, he’s a tall, lanky stranger. If he orders a double-double, he’s a tall lanky stranger. If he orders one of those weird fruit smoothie things — surprise, he’s a tall lanky stranger.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Wear the blue shirt tomorrow.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Do not be discouraged by the fact that you’ve had cookie dough ice cream for five of your last six suppers. Science will soon discover that cookie dough is a superfood. Forget fuckin kale or acai or whatever. Cookie dough is the future, man.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will cry watching an episode of a light-hearted sitcom. You aren’t entirely sure why exactly, there were lots of jokes. The next thing you know you’re sobbing into a dishcloth and an empty pint of Ben and Jerry’s, mumbling about how Leslie and Ben just love each other so much.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Tomorrow you will wake up and be Katy Perry’s left shark from the Superbowl halftime show. Congratulations! From here on out you will dance incredibly off-rhythm, become a meme, be loved by millions and be tattooed on the bicep of a 43-year-old man in Wyoming.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You have many people who love you. Actually, everybody loves you. You are the object of seven billion simultaneous and adoring gazes. Soak in the love and learn to use it to your advantage. Get dozens and dozens of red roses on Valentine’s day and resell them for a profit. Start a black market chocolate trade. Get everybody doing favours for you. Work that system.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Invest in Wendy’s stock and you’ll make millions. The frosty trade is on the upswing right now, and Baconators have never been more popular. Jump on that train before it’s gone.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

The wasps are coming for you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Be wise with your money this week, as there is a small orange troll following you around and trying to steal it. He’s right behind you right now. Oh no, now’s he’s over there and he’s got your credit card. That sneaky little bastard.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Talk to that pleasant-looking person who always sits beside you in your lecture. They won’t reply, but instead just make a long high-pitched mechanical whirring noise similar to a broken microwave. Unlike the microwave, however, they cannot be unplugged and plugged back in and the sound will persist for the entire semester.