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Popular rock on campus actually just piece of schist

By Derek Baker, April 2 2015 —

Researchers in the department of geoscience have identified the original composition of the rock located outside of the MacKimmie Library Block. The rock is used by students to promote their events, opinions, frat parties and motivational messages.

This new mineral, formally called Dinoite, has been tested vigorously in order to unearth any new chemical and physical properties.

“When we finally found it, we were really excited,” University of Calgary geoscience professor Penelope Pebbles said. “Who knew that under all that paint was just a piece of schist?”

Schist is a type of medium-grade metamorphic rock. Using a highly sensitive device also used for examining dog ulcers, Pebbles and her team were able to locate the original rock under thousands of coats of paint. The original piece of schist is about the diametre of a 30 centimetre ruler.

Pebbles said that 50 years of shameless advertising has resulted in changes at the atomic level.

“What’s even more amazing is that the surroundings of the original core of the rock has chemically changed,” Pebbles said. “The weight of all of those coats of paint has metamorphosed the contents into a new mineral.”

Due to high amounts of lead in paint during the 1960s and early 1970s, the new mineral is hazardous to human health. Campus safety officials are now reviewing whether the rock should be removed.

A mutant species of grass has been found growing around the rock and reportedly give off a “putrid green haze” when the sun is at its peak.

Several students have issued reports to Campus Security of a creature described as “the love child of a squirrel and a magpie with glowing red eyes that burn with the heat of a thousand suns.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about it too much,” Pebbles said when asked about the toxicity of the rock. “As long as those deeper layers aren’t exposed, there shouldn’t be an issue. Still, I wouldn’t touch it.”

GLGY 201 professor and lab coordinator Bob Boulder is requesting to chip off pieces of the rock to add it to the samples in the laboratory component of his class.

“Let’s see these little schists identify this one,” Boulder said.

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