By Valery Perez, January 10 2024—
New year, new you! Right? Right. Not quite. We’re well into January now and I know a few of us are hanging onto those resolutions by the fingernails. Change is hard. Cold turkey changes, even more so. Did you really think you could just step into a new you from one day to the next? Please.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Get outside more. You tried going outside the first few days, even for just a ten minute walk. Only took a few tries for you to realize that smiling at strangers is tiring, the wind blowing in your face burns, and putting on four layers is exhausting. Your reclusive nature, coupled with that horrendous deep freeze we just had, has been against you from the beginning. Maybe next year pick a more realistic resolution like journaling or reducing your screen time.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Spend more time with family.After spending the holiday season with them, you decided to keep the party going. Too bad your family bombarded you with questions about your employment status, why you’re single/why haven’t you gotten married, when the babies are coming and just overall why are you the way you are? Your sensitive nature won out and I suspect you’re now buried under layers of blankets devouring piles of chips and chocolates to ease the pain.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Run a marathon (or at all). You began strong with back-to-back days. Starting at a fast pace and aiming for 5k right away was your downfall. You became more exhausted each day but still pushed, there’s nothing you can’t achieve once you set your mind to it! You’re your own worst enemy though, and your competitive nature and constant not-good-enoughness got the best of you. If you’re not amazing right away, what’s the point?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Take more time for self-care. Last year was tough and left you jaded. This year, you will try to focus on yourself more and take time to relax and be mindful. Taking time off is not quitting! … but maybe it is a little. Your stubborn streak won over your desire to relax. You will not be defeated! Those shoulders will be staying tight and those back issues unfixed though.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Start a new hobby. What better way to start the year than to become the next Picasso? You bought the needles and yarn, or maybe the paint and easel, and were determined to get to work. Your versatility started you strong, but your impatience won in the end. Slow and steady did not win the race and now your new tools lay discarded and forgotten in the corner.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Read more. This is your year to become an intellectual. Reading will expand your mind and make you more intelligent! The task of actually beginning a book is incredibly daunting though, and who wants to read something without romance? Boring. Buying the books will make you read them right? Too bad you’re now a book hoarder, rather than a reader.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Spend less. After the hit your wallet took during the holidays, what better way to get back on track financially? No Spend Challenge is on. Oh, but you’re so bored, and, oh, it wouldn’t hurt to just window shop. Did you see those shoes? What about that jacket? It’s an investment, not spending, since it’s a timeless piece that will last me long and is good quality and…. yeah. Nice try.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Try something new each month. What better way to become a better person than through exposure. Too bad perfectionism has already ruined your shot at the next new thing. You didn’t start small enough and are now caught up in the details, rather than enjoying the overall new experience. I expect you’re quite pissed and have given up.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Stop procrastinating. Tasks that must be done are plentiful and time is not enough. The amount of brain power that is required to actually check off all the things in your to-do list is too much. Where do you start? Your indecisiveness is a formidable opponent, that Netflix show you can binge in one sitting seems more fun to deal with.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Go to therapy. This is the year you decided to finally deal with the emotional baggage. You found someone to open up to and, despite the new dent in your wallet, deemed it worth it. Too bad you didn’t realize that working on oneself requires so much opening up. Gross. You’re willing to take care of other’s emotional needs, but never your own. Who’s that therapist to criticize you like that anyway?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Redecorate your space. Your desire for spontaneity led you to decide to redecorate your space. Rebrand and rearrange for a better you! All the shelves and closets are emptied out on the floor now and the piles of things go on for miles. Ugh, you’ll do this later. Turns out that redecorating your entire space is exhausting and you can’t be bothered anyway.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Have a proper sleep schedule. The first week of the year went well. You were able to get eight hours consistently, at the same time, each night. Once responsibilities started, tasks began to pile up. You narrowed your focus and continued to do well. One day you woke up and realized you’d forgotten to work on that one thing that was due yesterday because there wasn’t enough time. Your goal-oriented nature led you to victory but also failure. Maybe your new goal should be to take on less responsibility.
This article is part of our humour section.