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Horoscope: Kink-shaming the signs back to studying

By Adam Abstinence, February 12 2024—

Love is in the air but so is your GPA. We all have guilty pleasures that we might indulge in here and there, but sometimes we have to indulge in the things we need to do. Weaponize your secret kink to find academic success. While you still have time, find pleasure in getting good grades and making the right connections. Don’t forget consent is key.

Dragon (2024, 2012, 2000, 1988)

We all know you feel like the most important person in the room and like the praise you receive. We also know you like to hide that your motivation is being praised. So keep up the good work and you’ll keep getting showered by praises.

Snake (2013, 2001, 1989, 1977)

Whether you loved Ex Machina or you’re a ride-or-die for your Mac ecosystem, you can’t seem to deny the pleasure of having a machine work for you. A robot fetishism can come in handy if you think that completing assignments are a form of pleasure for your computer.

Horse (2014, 2002, 1990, 1978)

Stimulation is the way to your heart and into your pants. Being into sensation play, you like to try new things. I would suggest exploring the sensation of a productive study session.

Goat (2015, 2003, 1991, 1979)

You are always in motion and love the chase, getting tied up is not your thing but it can still be exciting. Next time you want to engage in some bondage, try locking yourself in a room with all your assignments and only use a safe word for when you need to use the bathroom.

Monkey (2016, 2004, 1992, 1980)

Quick with a joke, you’re always the one ready to laugh with — or at — others. Sometimes your funny bone requires tickling, which is called knismolagnia. See if going to office hours to get the help you need with the lecture material might tickle your fancy.

Rooster (2017, 2005, 1993, 1981)

Some call it people watching but what you like to do is called voyeurism. Try looking at your texbook more or if you’re still intent on people, pay attention to your professor in class instead. Take notes while you’re at it.

Dog (2018, 2006, 1994, 1982)

Born under the year of the Dog usually means loyalty is one of your qualities. It is also too easy to say you’re into puppy play but if someone acting as your handler telling you to get some work done is what it takes, strap on that collar.

Pig (2019, 2007, 1995, 1983)

People will tell you a foot fetish is very common, but you will still hide it from others. Focus on the work you have in front of you instead of playing footsies with the person sitting across from you. 

Rat (2020, 2008, 1996, 1984)

You’ve made it to the top with your people skills, but that’s not enough when you struggle taking tests. As someone who enjoys roleplaying, find someone who will act as a proctor while you try some practice exams. 

Ox (2021, 2009, 1997, 1985)

There are people that see you as someone with thick skin and dependable. What they don’t see is you sometimes test your limits to the point they call you a masochist. Try testing your limits by taking breaks and spreading out your workload instead.

Tiger (2022, 2010, 1998, 1986)

You always have had a competitive attitude to everything you do, even the smallest thing like getting in front of any line in MacHall. You could be considered the dominant one in relationships sometimes. Use your need to take the lead and create a study group. Just remember this is for academic purposes only.

Rabbit (2023, 2011, 1999, 1987)

You carry a certain air of elegance to everything you do, but underneath the aloof facade you like to be told what to do. Being submissive can feel like you’re weak however no one sees that you can take criticism better than others. Just try not to beg for help, just asking is fine. 

This article is part of our humour section.

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