Horoscopes: The deadly sins of the zodiac signs

By Josie Simon, December 4 2023—

From lust to envy, greed to wrath, delve into the dark underbelly of the zodiac signs as we explore the sinful side of each astrological personality.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Envy

Sagittarius, your thirst for perfection breeds a malevolent envy, fueling a sinister desire to outshine those who achieve academic success, leaving an ominous cloud of intellectual inferiority in your wake.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Greed

Capricorn, your relentless pursuit of power and wealth knows no limits. It is hauntingly remarkable how you have transformed your own soul into a corporate commodity, sacrificing your very essence in the process.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Sloth 

Aquarius, your inclination for slothfulness will steer you towards a treacherous path of academic misconduct. Mindlessly plagiarizing, devoid of originality, will hamper your personal growth and undermine genuine learning. 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Lust 

Pisces, your reputation as the ultimate hopeless romantic is well-deserved, with your flirtatious nature and boundless affection. Yet, your love life mimics a catastrophic rollercoaster, where the cart careens off the tracks, crashing through the fairground and leaving behind a trail of heartbroken chaos.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Wrath 

Aries, your incredible ability to turn a minor situation into a volcanic eruption of rage is truly awe-inspiring. You always seem to find new and creative ways to express your annoyance and pick fights with innocent bystanders. Bravo, Aries, bravo.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Greed 

Taurus, your unmatched greed for wealth and possessions and relentless pursuit of more, regardless of consequences, is disturbing. Reflect on what truly brings happiness and fulfillment.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Envy

Gemini, your impressive adaptability can also lead to envy, especially regarding others’ physical beauty. Comparing yourself to them, you feel a strong surge of jealousy, longing to possess their captivating allure.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Sloth 

Cancer, your talent for avoiding responsibility and finding sanctuary in your cozy shell is legendary. You take laziness to a whole new level, mastering the art of procrastination in every aspect of your life. 

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Pride 

Leo, your need for attention and constant craving for admiration is absolutely insufferable. You believe the sun rises and sets with you, and the stars themselves twinkle just to catch a glimpse of your glittering ego.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Gluttony

Virgo, your insatiable appetite for meal delivery knows no bounds. Your doorbell has become a haunting anthem, tormenting an army of delivery drivers who find solace in a support group known as “Drivers Against Virgos Anonymous.”

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Lust 

Libra, your love for reality dating shows has transformed you into a master of romance and drama. As your obsession grows, you will find yourself auditioning for a dating show armed with a hidden machete — love, after all, can be a cutthroat business. 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Wrath 

Scorpio, your ability to hold grudges and plot elaborate revenge strategies is both terrifying and hilarious. Your vindictive nature makes forgetting or forgiving any perceived wrong impossible. 

This article is part of our humour section.