Four gifts that perfectly say what you would never dare say out loud

By Jill Girgulis, December 1 2015 —

‘Tis the season for giving — giving someone a piece of your mind, that is. But instead of airing your grievances with the Grinches in your life, try giving them subtle hints through beautifully wrapped holiday gifts.

Your least favorite professor: Regardless of what you give this professor, make sure to drop it off when they’re in the middle of a meeting or rushing off to teach another class. Take an exceedingly long time to explain the meaning behind the gift, throw in a few awkward anecdotes, ask them to take a moment to ponder its significance and then poll them about it using TopHat.

Your lacklustre lab partner: This student deserves something truly special this holiday season. Why not give them a framed list of all the due-dates for your collaborative lab assignments? If you want, you can even go all out with some glitter glue and edible jingle bells. For an extra-special touch, toss in a personalized pipette with step-by-step instructions or some monogrammed paper towels so they can clean up all the toxic chemicals they spilled on your notebook this semester.

That one friend who has their life together and buys all their Christmas gifts before Halloween: The best method for dealing with this person is to pretend Christmas doesn’t exist this year and then give them a gift on Boxing Day. Tell them it’s for next Christmas and that you’re just really ahead of the game. No big deal.

 The registrar’s office: Perhaps the most deserving of your heartfelt Christmas gifts, the registrar’s office would love to receive an expensive advent calendar. Instead of cute little Santa chocolates behind each door for every day in December, they will find a 200-question true-or-false exam worth 55 per cent of their grade that they have to complete in less than 10 minutes. If you’re feeling extra generous, sneak in an extra test at 7:00 p.m. on the very last day of exam week — what a pleasant surprise!