The very educted film critic reviews Star Wars

By Andrew Kemle, December 1 2015 —

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, because it’s apparently so good it skips the first three, is a purported space opera from the mind of director and screenwriter George Lucas, also known as George R. R. Martin with a worse beard.

Real original, George — a hero’s journey against the forces of darkness after discovering he’s destined for the light. Please, like we haven’t seen that a million times in Hollywood. Stop trying to be Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Lucas. Nobody wants to watch a movie like that.

The special effects look like they’re straight out of the ‘70s, with prop guns that might as well have been re-painted WWII weapons. There’s a scene where the bad guy is supposed to use his magic wizard powers to crush someone’s throat and I can clearly tell that the actor is just choking himself — unprofessional and sloppy!

Oh, and don’t even get me started on the models. Was CGI not available to the filmmakers or something? Am I supposed to be impressed that it was created almost entirely with practical effects? Where are my big damn explosions?

There is one good explosion, when an evil space-Nazi decides to blow up a planet about midway through the film, which I found to be in poor taste. It’s only been 10 years since we lost Pluto as a planet — does Lucas have no decency?

Then there’s the cast. God, the cast. Who in their right mind thought casting Mufasa as the bad guy was a smart move? And apparently Mark Hamill is taking his post-Joker career for the worst kind of spin. Stick with animated TV shows and movies, buddy.

Poor Harrison Ford is completely forgettable as Han Solo, and I mean Indiana Jones level of forgettable. No one’s going to remember this guy. And what the hell is Carrie Fisher’s character even doing in the movie? She’s actually helping the main characters and taking charge of the situation — what kind of a lousy damsel in distress is that?

This was a turgid, horrid affair of a movie, and I can’t wait for it to utterly fail at the box office. Come find me when Lucas utilizes the full potential of modern technology and creates a fully CGI comic relief character with vaguely racist undertones. Then we’ll really be in business.