Students’ Union election horoscopes

By Melanie Woods, February 23 2016 —

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will wake up tomorrow with presidential candidate Stephan Guscott’s beard. It looks good on you.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

A terrified-looking man in a Minions costume will sprint past you in the hallway. After you realize no one is running a Minions themed campaign this year, you will start to worry.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

When you cast your vote online, the computer system will instead prompt you to swear over the rights to all intellectual property you will ever produce in your life.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

After ordering a dozen Tim Horton’s coffees and getting “please play again” every time, you will roll up the rim on your thirteenth drink and find that you’ve been elected as the next Students’ Union president.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

You will run for an SU position on the platform of throwing a very large and very heavy rock through Elizabeth Cannon’s window. You will win, do that and be arrested immediately.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will decide to run for Board of Governors representative in the upcoming SU election when you realize it requires literally no work and you still get a sweet honorarium.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

While walking to the train, you will stop and realize your boots have literally stuck to the ground. Your boots are stuck to the ground forever now. Curse you presidential candidate Nick Boots!

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Exasperated with endless election materials, you will decide not to vote in this year’s SU election. Coincidentally, American Senator Ted Cruz is running for SU president this year. He will win by one vote.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You will find yourself trapped in the “never-ending post-secondary existential angst room” proposed by one of this year’s vice-president student life candidates.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will sell advertising rights on your body to a vice-president external candidate for a sizable sum. Aren’t you excited to have “Bray’s Anatomy” tattooed on your face?

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Four science representative candidates will accost you in the hallway asking for your vote. Three hours later, authorities will find your body in Science Theatres covered in fun stickers and printed-off platforms.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Presidential candidate Jordan Grant will convince you to incorporate yourself and start selling your organs for money, providing investment opportunities for the whole student body — including your body.