Bermuda Shorts Horoscopes

By Melanie Woods, April 5 2016 —

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

You will crowd surf at the BSD beer gardens. The crowd will be so large and dense that they’ll take you all the way to Shawnessey.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

You will be banned from the BSD beer gardens after you attempt to smuggle in an entire case of grapefruit Palm Bay. The bouncer will tell you she would’ve let you in if you weren’t drinking “weak-ass juice.”

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

Weary and tired after a year of accomplishments, you will close your eyes for a long nap. After a brief moment of rest, you will awake to someone forcing you to do three vodka shots. Happy BSD.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

In one last act of defiance, you will get drunk and storm administration’s offices to give them a piece of your mind. You and university president Elizabeth Cannon will end up sitting on the glass staircase and drinking four bottles of red wine together.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will create Bermuda Short-Shorts Day to reward people for wearing the shortest of shorts. You will immediately regret this — there are some things the eyes can’t unsee.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You will take a selfie with a tall, dark stranger at BSD. When you look at the photo the next day, you will be standing next to an endless void of darkness and despair.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You decide to forgo traditional BSD celebrations and will instead host a waffle-making party at a friend’s apartment. However, things will escalate when someone suggests waffles made  of cilantro. Too far, Jeremy — too far.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Bummed that your professor scheduled a final exam on BSD, you will show up to class disappointed. However, you’ll arrive to find your prof with four cases of Pilsner, a platter of nachos and a party attitude.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Your crush will ask you out the day before BSD, and the two of you will decide to make a date out of the event. It will go as well as a date on BSD can, which is terribly.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You will be pulled over by a cop on a bicycle for reckless walking. You can’t help that you want to tap dance everywhere you go.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

While riding the train home from a fun day in the sun at  BSD, someone will vomit all over  your shoes. They will apologize, then immediately vomit on your shirt.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

While purchasing a case of beer at the local liquor store, the clerk will ask you if it’s for BSD. You won’t have the heart to tell them it’s just for sadly drinking alone.