Your #future is currently subtweeting you right now

By Jill Girgulis, September 6 2016 —

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

In a drug-induced state, you will accidentally upload a Vine of yourself taken 10 minutes after your wisdom teeth surgery. You will then experience all the highs and lows of your six seconds of fame before passing out on the couch.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You will suffer a concussion after walking into an ornately decorated “U of C 50 Years” lightpost while playing Pokemon Go. When you go to the hospital to get checked out, you will be thrilled to discover that your exam room is a Pokestop.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You will create 16 proxy Facebook accounts so it looks like people actually appreciate your insightful posts about our generation’s over-reliance on social media as a source of self-esteem. You just catfished yourself, dumbass.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will procrastinate working on your first lab of the semester by spending an entire evening on Pinterest. You will end up pinning so many DIY-decoration ideas that you will feel confident in your abilities to stage a wedding between a can opener and a random thumbtack.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You will throw your laptop from the top of Aurora Hall after receiving 27 offers to add a random preschool classmate to your LinkedIn network.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) 

You will accidentally visit Christian Mingle while researching a religious studies paper and then proceed to be endlessly spammed by singles in your area every time you open your laptop. You will eventually be forced to quit the Internet and seal your fate as an out-of-touch spinster.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

Kim Kardashian-West, DJ Khaled and Taco Bell will all attempt to add you on Snapchat. You will decline both Kim K. and Mr. Khaled in favor of filling your feed with delicious greasy taco snaps.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

At 3:14 a.m., you will traverse so far into YouTube that you end up watching a video of yourself watching videos on YouTube, Inception-style.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

Your number one goal in life will be achieved when Buzzfeed Community decides to promote your quiz, “What does your taste in pencil shavings say about your relationship status?”

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

You will be granted seven million dollars after you inadvertently use the last possible unique hashtag in the English language, #mybirdhouseisfatterthanyourlighthouse.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

You will be heartbroken to learn that after 15 weeks of incessant trolling of Taylor Swift’s account, Instagram deactivated the snake emoji and replaced it with a blonde version of the salsa dancer.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will finally take the plunge and sign up for Twitter after putting it off for eight years, only to realize that everyone’s into Snapchat now. You will have zero followers.