Gauntlet volunteer has already hit rock bottom after writing only three articles

By Frankie Hart, October 25 2016 —

Student and Gauntlet volunteer Hankie Fart has decided that she will yet again put off her history paper by writing another article for the Gauntlet. 

“I heard that extracurriculars are equally — if not more important than academics, so this is fine. Everything is fine. I am fine,” Fart said to herself, a bead of sweat forming on her temple.

This cycle has barely lasted for  three weeks, but Hankie is already feeling the downward spiral.

“At least what I’m doing instead of my work is still technically productive — it’s not like I’m out doing drugs or anything,” Fart said. “Well, I suppose I am kinda doing drugs. I read that opinions article about how study drugs aren’t a good idea long-term and then I remembered my brother’s stash of ephedrine.”

Fart reasons that it was necessary for her to get a kick-start on the paper that was due 12 hours later. She insists that the drug wasn’t meant to be “performance enhancing” or cause a “dependency” but to unleash and harness her anxiety into productive work.

“I was really questioning the Orientation Week keynote speech by Kelly McGonigal in which she claimed that stress anxiety could be used as a driving force in your studies,” Fart said, feasting on free Gauntlet volunteer pizza.

While she may have handed her history paper in on time, the content was mediocre at best based on what time she wrote it and the state she was in. In a drug-induced rush to finish the paper, she wrote that da Vinci was kind of weird and if he lived today, he would probably have a prank channel on YouTube.

“They were desperate times, but since everything turned out fine, I’ve totally learned my lesson. I’m definitely not gonna do it again. I’m fine,” Fart promised. “I estimate that I can reasonably write 23 articles by the end of the semester and easily maintain my sanity.”

When questioned about the content of her upcoming article by Humour editor Jared Backer, Fart only stated that it would be “meta as fuck.”

This article is part of our humour section.