The future is very real and super intense

By Dawn Muenchrath, February 24 2017 —

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Start a business that manufactures tiny white plastic chairs to match the tiny plastic tables inside pizza boxes. Put your entire life savings into this project because it’s a great idea. You gotta risk it to get the biscuit.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

Put on a fake moustache and text your ex to make sure they don’t recognize you. Ask them about the weather and their stone cold heart.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

You’ve been wearing the wrong size of shoes for your whole life. What? Thanks for nothing, Oprah.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

Run into your local Mucho Burrito and shout, “why are you all so obsessed with guacamole? The meaning of life is not so tasty!” You may get banned from Mucho Burrito.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

Buy a box of 20 plain Timbits and gift them to your saltiest enemy. Who actually likes the unglazed ones?

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

Find out what your real horoscope predicts by consulting someone with actual magical abilities. Most warlocks these days sell their wisdom for $2.49 or a small lock of genuine hair.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Punish yourself for your past mistakes by wearing a toque made out of the itchiest wool in existence.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Tell people your middle name is Sassy. It will not make them like you nor will it make you spectacularly sassy. Legally change it, anyway.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Google “is chipotle mayo the most perfect condiment?” —just to check. After, Google “how to kiss?” — just to check.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Pretend to cry while watching a Pixar animated short. Be sure to make it convincing because they’re catching onto your secret, you heartless robot.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Start chewing and swallowing cinnamon gum. It may burn, but fight through it. It will establish you as the spiciest member of your innermost friend circle.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

In the words of the late, great Mariah Carey, “it’s all retrograde from here, baby.” Mariah Carey knows everything, so don’t bother getting out of bed this week. Or next week. Or the week after that.