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Thesaurus unlocks unrestrained potential for English major

By Frankie Hart, March 28 2017 —

Long-retired are the days of mediocre essay grades for first-year English student Arthur Doyle. After discovering the absolute capacity of an elementary, commonplace, prosaic thesaurus, Doyle announced that he has found the nexus of academic prosperity.

“I’d invariably known it was a resource feasible to us, but at no time had I taken it vigorously until my last paper,” Doyle explained as he flipped through his thesaurus. “In English classes, we’d consistently been encouraged to enhance our vocabulary by way of reading challenging texts. But as pupils, who has the time? Certainly not I.”

During the writing process, Doyle shared this breakthrough with his classmates to expedite their own essays.

“I’m aghast that I hadn’t thought of it before, it was such a conspicuous elucidation,” remarked first-year English student Ginny Woolf. “I forthwith went through my essay and made it so that no word showed up twice throughout it. I think that my professor will see my devotion to the discipline of language and give me not only an A, but also bonus marks on the midterm I failed.”

Testimonies were magnanimous among English students for this book.

However, despite the brilliant tenacity of these statements, the students still wait in apprehension for the marks of their augmented assignments.

“Everyone knows that the secret to great writing is vast vocabulary, dynamite diction and ample alliteration,” Doyle articulated. “And also that ‘said’ is, indeed, dead.”

Still, Doyle remains sanguine that his bolstered vernacular will impress his professor.

“There is an unequivocal increase of vocabulary management in my paper, which is all I need to go from a C to an A,” Doyle confidently stated. “It’s like our essays have gone through an evolution, a metamorphosis, if you will — an episode of Pimp My Ride, but for essays.”

After this comment, Doyle asked if he could go back on his statement with a thesaurus. After he was told he could not, he asked that we mention he tried.

Upon interviewing a few English professors, it was clear that this strategy might not go as well for these students as they hoped.

“I’m just glad I have tenure,” English professor Peter Poe said. “That way, I can fail all of these punks.”

This article is part of our humour section.

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