Your future is the first week of a new semester

By Derek Baker, September 7 2017 —

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

In an effort to save money when buying food on campus, you will start eating your Tim Hortons cup after finishing whatever caffeinated drink was in it. Ignore the weird stares you get — a little extra fibre never hurts.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You will be faced with the dilemma of getting from Kinesiology Building to Biological Sciences during a 10-minute class change. We suggest investing in Razor Scooter to rip through the halls. Sick ride, bruh.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Inspired by the recent drama surrounding iconic University of Calgary landmarks like Leon the Frog and The Rock, your chaotic side will paint over the mermaid mural connecting Science B to MacHall. No one will complain.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will decide to shake things up a little and sit in a different seat in the lecture theatre two weeks after school started. You will have no friends by the end of class.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Your heart will bleed as you walk past the bookstore and see an eager swarm of first-year students buying full-priced textbooks. Don’t worry — their wallets will bleed too, and they will soon become just as cynical as you.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You will develop such an intense caffeine addiction that by December, the headache you get if you don’t get a cup of coffee in the morning will be painful enough to physically be felt by the people around you. Be considerate and buy your cranky self a double-double before class.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

Enjoying the freedom of young adulthood and the ability to make your own decisions, you will buy a Blizzard on the way to your 9 a.m. class, because no one can stop you.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

Before writing your ASTR 201 midterm, you will realize Uranus has entered retrograde motion, which is good luck for your sign. Unfortunately, astrology and astronomy are a lot different.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

After searching for used textbooks, you’ll manage to narrowly avoid personal bankruptcy — congratulations! However, you will abandon your frugality when you stumble into Campus Vision and drop a couple hundred bucks on a celebratory new pair of Ray-Bans.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

Promising yourself that you won’t be late for classes, you’ll dutifully arrive 10 minutes early on the first day. On the second day, you’ll squeeze in just as the professor starts lecturing. By the third day, you’re already late for tomorrow’s classes.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

The floor at Thursden will be so sticky by 11 p.m. that your feet will literally get glued to the dance floor. After being stuck in the same spot for a few hours, security will have to use a giant scraper to remove you after last call.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will swear that the school has doubled in population while navigating through the crowded hallways. After a week, you’ll notice it go back to normal once half the school stops going to class.