U of C to bulldoze MacHall to make way for new Flames arena

By Devin Aggarwal, September 27 2017 —

After months of failed negotiations with the City of Calgary, the Calgary Flames are finally getting a new arena. The arena comes with a $500-million price tag and is slated to be built on the University of Calgary campus where MacHall currently stands.

“We had such limited success with the city, so we shifted our attention to partnering with another major organization in Calgary. The U of C was the perfect fit,” Calgary Flames CEO Ken King said.

The arena deal is part of a new partnership with the U of C meant to promote “active participation in a sporting lifestyle.” Construction costs will be split between the Flames and the university. As a part of the deal, the demolition of MacHall will be carried out entirely by students.

“Students have a lot of pent-up aggression,” U of C president Elizabeth Cannon said. “With exam stress and the rigors of the university experience, they constantly need to let off steam. Why not give them another outlet?”

Construction of the arena itself will be paid for on the university’s side by a massive hike in tuition. All course fees will go up by 30 per cent and will remain there as long as the new arena operates. In return, students will be able to witness the building of a shrine to the hockey gods and get into games “for free” once it’s built.

“Now all students will be forced to enjoy hockey, whether they like it or not,” King exulted. “By the time they graduate, they’ll be indoctrinated into the hockey mindset and the ‘U of C of Red’ will become a way of life.”

When asked to respond to how students will be able to afford the tuition hike, economist Gerry Nance claimed that it’s better for society if students are broke.

“The less money students have, the more they realize that their hopes and dreams were always out of reach anyway. Then, they’ll all become enslaved to capitalism,” Nance said.

However, not all the students on campus are on board with the idea of demolishing MacHall.

“I have serious concerns about my nutrition,” said second-year kinesiology major Susan Smith. “If I can’t get four meals a day from Kobe Beef, I might waste away.”

Other students are concerned about the impact the loss of MacHall would have on their social lives.

“I’ve literally never been to a bar other than The Den,” declared graduate student Kelsey Stein, downing a pitcher of a beer in one gulp. “The Den is my whole adult life. I’ve ate there. I’ve made love there. I drank until I fell off my chair there. Taking it away would render my life meaningless.”

Demolition of MacHall is slated to begin in January 2018 and construction is expected to take five years to complete. During that time, all services currently offered in the building will be terminated or relocated to the U of C’s campus in Qatar.

This article is part of our humour section.