We forecast your future involves snow

By D anielle Leong, November 7 2017 —

Scorpio

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You will fall through a mysterious opening in the snow and enter a majestic underground tunnel that leads to the North Pole. Unfortunately, you’ll take a wrong turn and end up in your next lecture.

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

After being one question away from passing your midterm, you’ll unleash your anger by destroying the nearest snowman. That snowman the city’s newest public art installation. You are now under arrest.

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

A perfectly round snowball will show up on your doorstep. You’ll then discover that it is a crystal ball and will enjoy observing the unfortunate fates of your classmates. The mood will turn sour when you peer into your own future, showing you spending your entire life looking into the snowball.

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Desperate to save money while living on campus, you’ll add snow to your morning shake. Surprisingly, the health benefits are stunning. Soon, there will be sightings reported of individuals casually snacking on the new-found superfood, snow from the ground, courtesy of you.

Pisces

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

Starving, you’ll walk outside and find a lemon-flavoured snowcone lying on the ground. You pick it up and take a big lick. The lemon snowcone is definitely not lemon.

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

After extensively reading about minimalism, you decide to re-invent yourself. In an effort to become one with nature, you build an igloo out of the snow in your backyard, complete with in-floor heating, high-speed internet and a sick sound system. You’ll need to go to city council to approve the secondary suite, though.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

On a particularly snowy day, you find that your feet have been replaced by gigantic snowshoes. You are thrilled, until you manage to squeeze on some socks over those thumpers and realize you’re a man-duck.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

By some miracle, you will find a shiny snowflake wrapped in a ribbon with a tag that says it’s for you. You wear it as a necklace and receive overwhelming compliments until you enter your 300-person lecture and it begins blasting out old-school Christmas tunes. There is no off button.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Being the kind soul you are, you will decide to shovel the driveway of your elderly neighbour. After working your butt off to scrape off every flake of snow, she’ll storm out and inform you that she’s a huge snow enthusiast and you just ruined her day.

Leo

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Uh oh, your prophetic caroling will bury the world in snow with that Christmas tune you can’t get out of your head.

Virgo

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

The cold weather has got you feeling under the weather. After failing to find a cure for your snow-itis, you will consult the black market. You’ll unknowingly purchase a potion that gives your breath freeze-power and you excitedly rush to let all of your friends know. They are unable to share in your excitement, as they are now all frozen.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You decide to gather your friends and make some snow angels. Turns out, the spot you chose is right above a barely frozen river. Your friend falls through and dies of hypothermia. All thanks to you.