Councillor Colley-Urquhart elected mayor of Antarctic penguin colony

By Derek Baker, November 28 2017 —

Calgary city councillor Diane Colley-Urquhart has come under fire after a string of recent council meeting absences. The Ward 13 councillor recently returned from an attempted Antarctic cruise to the surprise of councillors and the mayor on Monday morning.

However, the true nature of the trip has now come to light. Just going to the zoo to see the penguins wasn’t enough — Colley-Urquhart has been elected mayor of an Antarctic emperor penguin colony.

“I am the penguin leader. My penguins need me,” Colley-Urquhart said.

Colley-Urquhart will visit her penguin colony in Antarctica to set out a plan for their upcoming year. Included in this year’s penguin budget are funds for more fish, space heaters and a relocation fund to move the entire colony to Calgary if necessary.

“You think your winters are bad? Try living in Antarctica,” said Percy the Penguin, a penguin colony councillor. “Have you seen March of the Penguins? Our lives friggin’ suck. Happy Feet? It’s not happy at all!”  

Most penguins are apparently content at the prospect of relocating en masse to Calgary. Notably, the suggestion that the colony could reside in Tuxedo Park has made many of them quite excited.

“I am the penguin leader. My penguins love me,” Colley-Urquhart said.

Still, some believe that the Calgary councillor’s trip to visit her constituents may have ulterior motives. It has been alleged that Colley-Urquhart intends to amass an army of penguins to fight the second phase of the Southwest Bus Rapid Transit network.

As an ominous symbolic gesture, Colley-Urquhart placed a single penguin figurine in front of her for the meeting.

“I am the penguin leader. My penguins listen to me,” Colley-Urquhart said.

A daunting army over 10,000 penguins strong has been observed training, seemingly ready to bring destruction to any mass transit project. The observation was made on Nov. 13, the same day a motion by the absent Colley-Urquhart and Councillor Jeromy Farkas to halt the Southwest BRT expansion was defeated in council.

“I don’t really see why you guys need these buses,” Percy the Penguin said. “Y’all should just slide on your stomachs as your method of commute — it’s actually quite effective.”  

This article is part of our humour section.