Buzz off, boys: these batteries bring a whole new meaning to girl-power

By Tina Shaygan, March 2 2018 —

Following the groundbreaking decision by Frito-Lay to introduce ‘Lady Doritos,’ Energizer will now offer ‘Lady Batteries,’ which are expected to complete the same amount of work as a regular battery but only come with 87 per cent of the charge.

“We’ve heard women’s concerns about equal pay, access to health care and contraceptives,” Energizer chief executive officer Jacob Schmidt said. “So, we’re offering them Lady Batteries. This is a big moment for our company — and for gender equality.”

Noted battery consumer Katherine Karry said she is excited about what the new Lady Batteries mean for women.

“It’s a great time to be a woman,” Karry said. “The world is really responding to our demands.”

Karry added that she hopes this will inspire other companies to cater their products specifically for women. She said other women-only products like spaghetti that doesn’t twirl so women can eat it in public would be positively received.

“Previous feminist movements were about big-picture problems like the right to vote,” Karry said. “Now, we’re finally getting into the nitty-gritty details of being a woman.”

Lady Doritos and Lady Batteries are only the latest of women-specific products available in the market right now. Top executives have said women-only products not only allow them to expand to a larger market but also provide unparalleled positive marketing.

For example, since BiC introduced pens that help women write delicately, the company’s stocks have skyrocketed. Credit card companies have also followed suit by offering cards that are not only pink and floral-patterned but are exclusively accepted at Sephora and Whole Foods.

“Where else do women need to shop?” said a spokesman for Visa. “We’re focusing our attention on providing one-of-a-kind services that satisfy the needs of the modern woman.”

Women-only toothpastes that release sparkles and force the user to smile in public are expected to be the next hot product to hit the market.

“I can’t wait,” Karry said. “From Doritos to batteries to toothpaste, what a time to be alive. The glass ceiling is finally broken.”

This article is part of our Humour section.